My size 16 pants were skin tight this morning. I JUST bought them a couple weeks ago because I grew out of my 14's. I busted out crying again as I was getting dressed. I've worn skirts every day this week because they are the only articles of clothing that don't cause me to have meltdowns. Most shirts are all questionable; so I've been wearing cardigan sweaters over top of them to disguise the growing fat rolls.
I have never been so easy to cry before. I feel like now someone could say BOO and my jaw instantly starts that tingling and hurting feeling like when you are about to bust out into tears. I must have done that 50 times yesterday. And it's actually pretty comical at the things I have been tearing up about - I cried at American Idol last night when Carrie Underwood visited her hometown and they declared it "Carrie Underwood Day." Good Grief! Who gives a sh*T??? Apparently I do because I was so touched and filled with emotion. This is just nuts.
I can't wait to be MYSELF again.
Now, say a little prayer for me as I got for my ULTRASOUND tomorrow to check out the ABDOMINAL pain I have been having. (Totally separate issue...)
Geez.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Tylenol PM, here I come
Today was just bad. Not REAL bad. Or tragic bad. Just an overall layer of BAD on everything.
Work was insanity. I never had a chance to look up prolactin and pituratary glands on the internet.
People were annoying.
I was too sensitive about several things and I carried around heavy feelings that really should have been let go immediately - it's 10:37 pm and I'm still carrying them....
Couldn't concentrate for sh*t all day today.
Felt unorganized.
My pants were way too tight this morning so now I am down to 3 pair that fit and THAT is probably the culprit that determined my mood all day long. How sick is that?
And my cat has one eyeball and a face full of big black stitches. That's the worst.
I'm going to go meditate in the water bed right now. And then I will swallow 2 tylenol PMs and end this day.
Fresh start tomorrow! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
Work was insanity. I never had a chance to look up prolactin and pituratary glands on the internet.
People were annoying.
I was too sensitive about several things and I carried around heavy feelings that really should have been let go immediately - it's 10:37 pm and I'm still carrying them....
Couldn't concentrate for sh*t all day today.
Felt unorganized.
My pants were way too tight this morning so now I am down to 3 pair that fit and THAT is probably the culprit that determined my mood all day long. How sick is that?
And my cat has one eyeball and a face full of big black stitches. That's the worst.
I'm going to go meditate in the water bed right now. And then I will swallow 2 tylenol PMs and end this day.
Fresh start tomorrow! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
I need a WHAT??
So after I published that blog, I got a phone call from my Dr. with my blood test results. How timely!
But what she said has thrown me for a loop...
She told me that my Prolactin Levels are elevated so they need to check my Pituatary Gland so I need to have an MRI which means a BRAIN SCAN!
Huh?
So, they are in the process of scheduling one for me.
I'll get back to you on this.
But what she said has thrown me for a loop...
She told me that my Prolactin Levels are elevated so they need to check my Pituatary Gland so I need to have an MRI which means a BRAIN SCAN!
Huh?
So, they are in the process of scheduling one for me.
I'll get back to you on this.
Weekend Wrap-up
So, yeah, it's Tuesday. But I wanted to write about my weekend and time keeps slipping away because I keep going to the Television Without Pity site and getting sucked into their reviews. You didn't think I was actually working did you?
Just Kidding, P-Mo Police.
Anyway, I already posted that I went to the Doctor on Friday morning and had tests done and blah blah blah - still haven't gotten those results back...but anyway, I went to the Dr. to check on hormone issues so you can draw your own conclusions as to how EMOTIONAL I have been lately. (Ex: I cried at a woman winning concert tickets on the radio this morning.)
Friday at work was fine. I call Toby at 4pm just to see what he's doing and secretly hope he would say something like "Honey, I love you so much and I am so glad we are married and that we'll be together forever. Let's just celebrate life and go out to eat and have wonderful conversations and connect." Instead I hear:
"I'm siiiiiiiiick" cough, gag, spew.
So I hung up and started crying. I was not emotionally stable enough to deal with the return of the GMB. But I went home and ate some dinner that Toby had fixed and he layed on the couch and slept. As the night went on, and the more useless TV I watched, I decided I wanted ice cream and magazines. So I headed outside for a trip to Wal-Mart when I nearly trip over Toby's cat Katie on the front porch. She was inside/outside but since Easter's arrival (and Katie's need to pee on everything) she has become an outdoor cat. I noticed a few weeks ago that her eyes looked all gooky and funky, but Toby told me that she has bad allergies and does this every year. So, like an ASSHOLE, I just let it go and didn't look into it.
Well, after I save myself from tripping over this cat, I look her in the face and
OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!! I drop my purse and scream. Heath is over on his porch and I scoop her up and run her over there to get a second opinion. He screams "HER EYEBALL IS FALLING OUT OF HER HEAD!!!"
So we stand there in the yard, me holding the cat out at arm's length, trying to figure out what the hell to do.
Her eye was NOT falling out of her head, but there was a growth on her eyball that made it look that way. It was heinous, to put it nicely. She was purring and acting fine...so I put her down and she circled us as we stood there trying to come up with a plan. GMB was asleep on the couch and when he's sick and asleep, I don't like to disturb him.
I decided to wait until the next day when I would get her to the vet first thing in the morning. She didn't seem like she was in pain or anything so I figured waiting a few more hours would be ok. (And would definitely help my pocketbook since emergency vet visits cause you to have to refinance your house to pay for them.)
I took her first thing on Saturday and the Dr. said that, first of all, she was very sick with allergies and conjunctiveitis (how the heck do you spell that?) and that she was really dehydrated. I felt like I should have been wearing a "I am a horrible cat mother" t-shirt. She then said that her eye "globe" has ruptured because of infection and that they would have to take the eye out. Holy crap.
So, fast forward to today (Tuesday) and her eye surgery should be over by now. Toby is going to pick her up after work and we are going to start calling her Wink. She is now an indoor cat and Easter is just going to have to deal. Fun times at home.
After the Vet trip in the morning, I went to Carytown to get my hair cut again! Actually, I just wanted a little more off and didn't want to wait 6 weeks. After the cut, I got a delicious iced thai coffee and went to Hecht's to take advantage of the awesome sales. I need some business clothes so I can stop looking like I am 12 at work.
The whole time I was out running errands, I was dreaming of Mexican food and a margarita - so that's what i insisted on when I got home. :) Toby didn't put up much of a fight. (And by the way, he was feeling much better than the night before.)
After we got home, I was SO STUFFED FULL OF BAD-FOR-ME FOOD that I layed on the bed and read some more of my magazines. Heath and Julie came over and I sat with them for awhile but I can't hang anymore. I love my sleep. Toby stayed up with them, until 2am to be exact.
I got up the next morning and went to church in Mechanicsville at New Hanover (see my Uncle Dewey entry) and then out to lunch with Diane (Uncle Dewey's wife), her Mom Shirley, her daughter Sarah, her neices Linda and Christy...and we met my parents out. It was so nice!! It was a long lunch full of stories and laughter. I didn't get home until almost 4pm.
For some reason, I was especially emotional. Toby and I have been great; but not quite "connected" and I don't really know how to put that into words but I bet you married people will "get it." It's been about a month of "not connecting" so I've been kind of down/depressed/hopeful/let-down by that for awhile. Plus going to church is emotional for me; especially sitting with the Ellets - who just lost such an amazing person. Plus the cat is losing it's eyeball and I feel guilty. Plus I'm getting fatter. Plus I'm poor. Plus the dog hair problem in the house is INCESSANT... You get the idea.
Then the thing that sends me over the edge: EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER.
Ummm, did anyone else see it on Sunday? GOOD GRIEF. I didn't think I could get that upset over people I don't even know. It was about a young couple who were married a few years ago, they had 3 boys (under the age of 3) and the Mom (age 28) just died of Leukemia. I was a MESS. I love that show. It does such GOOD for people in need. Sometimes a heartwarming cry is the most crippling to me. If that makes any sense - which lately, I don't count on ANYTHING I say making sense!
So, later on, Toby and I had some good talks and we reached a new level, I think. It's like we've been having tiny battles for the last month or so, but I feel like we WON the war. Or ONE of the wars we will encounter in our long married life. :) As hard as they are to go through, the entire journey is pretty amazing when you look back at how much you learn...
So, even though it was a tough weekend, it had it's sunshiney moments. And I LOVE those.
Just Kidding, P-Mo Police.
Anyway, I already posted that I went to the Doctor on Friday morning and had tests done and blah blah blah - still haven't gotten those results back...but anyway, I went to the Dr. to check on hormone issues so you can draw your own conclusions as to how EMOTIONAL I have been lately. (Ex: I cried at a woman winning concert tickets on the radio this morning.)
Friday at work was fine. I call Toby at 4pm just to see what he's doing and secretly hope he would say something like "Honey, I love you so much and I am so glad we are married and that we'll be together forever. Let's just celebrate life and go out to eat and have wonderful conversations and connect." Instead I hear:
"I'm siiiiiiiiick" cough, gag, spew.
So I hung up and started crying. I was not emotionally stable enough to deal with the return of the GMB. But I went home and ate some dinner that Toby had fixed and he layed on the couch and slept. As the night went on, and the more useless TV I watched, I decided I wanted ice cream and magazines. So I headed outside for a trip to Wal-Mart when I nearly trip over Toby's cat Katie on the front porch. She was inside/outside but since Easter's arrival (and Katie's need to pee on everything) she has become an outdoor cat. I noticed a few weeks ago that her eyes looked all gooky and funky, but Toby told me that she has bad allergies and does this every year. So, like an ASSHOLE, I just let it go and didn't look into it.
Well, after I save myself from tripping over this cat, I look her in the face and
OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!! I drop my purse and scream. Heath is over on his porch and I scoop her up and run her over there to get a second opinion. He screams "HER EYEBALL IS FALLING OUT OF HER HEAD!!!"
So we stand there in the yard, me holding the cat out at arm's length, trying to figure out what the hell to do.
Her eye was NOT falling out of her head, but there was a growth on her eyball that made it look that way. It was heinous, to put it nicely. She was purring and acting fine...so I put her down and she circled us as we stood there trying to come up with a plan. GMB was asleep on the couch and when he's sick and asleep, I don't like to disturb him.
I decided to wait until the next day when I would get her to the vet first thing in the morning. She didn't seem like she was in pain or anything so I figured waiting a few more hours would be ok. (And would definitely help my pocketbook since emergency vet visits cause you to have to refinance your house to pay for them.)
I took her first thing on Saturday and the Dr. said that, first of all, she was very sick with allergies and conjunctiveitis (how the heck do you spell that?) and that she was really dehydrated. I felt like I should have been wearing a "I am a horrible cat mother" t-shirt. She then said that her eye "globe" has ruptured because of infection and that they would have to take the eye out. Holy crap.
So, fast forward to today (Tuesday) and her eye surgery should be over by now. Toby is going to pick her up after work and we are going to start calling her Wink. She is now an indoor cat and Easter is just going to have to deal. Fun times at home.
After the Vet trip in the morning, I went to Carytown to get my hair cut again! Actually, I just wanted a little more off and didn't want to wait 6 weeks. After the cut, I got a delicious iced thai coffee and went to Hecht's to take advantage of the awesome sales. I need some business clothes so I can stop looking like I am 12 at work.
The whole time I was out running errands, I was dreaming of Mexican food and a margarita - so that's what i insisted on when I got home. :) Toby didn't put up much of a fight. (And by the way, he was feeling much better than the night before.)
After we got home, I was SO STUFFED FULL OF BAD-FOR-ME FOOD that I layed on the bed and read some more of my magazines. Heath and Julie came over and I sat with them for awhile but I can't hang anymore. I love my sleep. Toby stayed up with them, until 2am to be exact.
I got up the next morning and went to church in Mechanicsville at New Hanover (see my Uncle Dewey entry) and then out to lunch with Diane (Uncle Dewey's wife), her Mom Shirley, her daughter Sarah, her neices Linda and Christy...and we met my parents out. It was so nice!! It was a long lunch full of stories and laughter. I didn't get home until almost 4pm.
For some reason, I was especially emotional. Toby and I have been great; but not quite "connected" and I don't really know how to put that into words but I bet you married people will "get it." It's been about a month of "not connecting" so I've been kind of down/depressed/hopeful/let-down by that for awhile. Plus going to church is emotional for me; especially sitting with the Ellets - who just lost such an amazing person. Plus the cat is losing it's eyeball and I feel guilty. Plus I'm getting fatter. Plus I'm poor. Plus the dog hair problem in the house is INCESSANT... You get the idea.
Then the thing that sends me over the edge: EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER.
Ummm, did anyone else see it on Sunday? GOOD GRIEF. I didn't think I could get that upset over people I don't even know. It was about a young couple who were married a few years ago, they had 3 boys (under the age of 3) and the Mom (age 28) just died of Leukemia. I was a MESS. I love that show. It does such GOOD for people in need. Sometimes a heartwarming cry is the most crippling to me. If that makes any sense - which lately, I don't count on ANYTHING I say making sense!
So, later on, Toby and I had some good talks and we reached a new level, I think. It's like we've been having tiny battles for the last month or so, but I feel like we WON the war. Or ONE of the wars we will encounter in our long married life. :) As hard as they are to go through, the entire journey is pretty amazing when you look back at how much you learn...
So, even though it was a tough weekend, it had it's sunshiney moments. And I LOVE those.
Oops, I have a confession
So I guess you all have heard about the Britney and Kevin: Chaotic show that is coming on tonight at 9pm on UPN.
I bet you all didn't know that I CAN'T WAIT.
I know. I need intense therapy. But I can't get enough of them! It's a sickness of the worst kind! Someone help me!
I do think you should read this hilarious site before you watch the show. Someone started making up rules to the Britney and Kevin Drinking Game that you can play while watching.... and it's hysterical.
http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=3126646&st=0
If you guys do not want to be friends with me anymore because of my Britney/Kevin obsession, I completely understand.
I bet you all didn't know that I CAN'T WAIT.
I know. I need intense therapy. But I can't get enough of them! It's a sickness of the worst kind! Someone help me!
I do think you should read this hilarious site before you watch the show. Someone started making up rules to the Britney and Kevin Drinking Game that you can play while watching.... and it's hysterical.
http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=3126646&st=0
If you guys do not want to be friends with me anymore because of my Britney/Kevin obsession, I completely understand.
Friday, May 13, 2005
Pictures and Estrogen
I've decided to beef up my blog. That did not sound pretty AT ALL! In other words, I opened a Photobucket account so I can post pictures easily into my entries...it just makes a blog so much more lively to have visuals... I went back and added pictures to my Wedding Story entry if you are interested.
And here are some pics of my new, short 'do. I'm out of control. I keep going shorter and shorter. I'm actually going back TOMORROW to get more cut off because I feel that it's too long for this type of cut. I want more layers in the back - and a more dramatic line that swoops from the back to the front. I'm such high maintenance when it comes to my hair.
So, I went to the Dr. this morning. I wasn't sure what I was expecting from this visit as I was just going to whine about feeling like crap constantly and getting fatter and fatter. My Dr. surprised me by taking lots of blood tests and telling me that it sounds like my hormones and estrogen levels are wacky - and there there is something he can do to help regulate it all and get me back to normal!! PRAISE THE LORD!!
I have to wait for the results which should be back on Monday so that he can determine exactly what we are going to do. I feel vindicated. And I feel excited that maybe I will return to my normal self soon. (see previous whining entries about weight, etc..)
He also has me scheduled for an ultrasound next Friday to check out my gallbladder, liver, etc since I had that weird attack of severe abdominal pain last Sunday at the MCS concert in Northern Virginia.
I'm so glad I went this morning. I feel like I started my weekend off with promising news. And you can't beat that!
And here are some pics of my new, short 'do. I'm out of control. I keep going shorter and shorter. I'm actually going back TOMORROW to get more cut off because I feel that it's too long for this type of cut. I want more layers in the back - and a more dramatic line that swoops from the back to the front. I'm such high maintenance when it comes to my hair.
So, I went to the Dr. this morning. I wasn't sure what I was expecting from this visit as I was just going to whine about feeling like crap constantly and getting fatter and fatter. My Dr. surprised me by taking lots of blood tests and telling me that it sounds like my hormones and estrogen levels are wacky - and there there is something he can do to help regulate it all and get me back to normal!! PRAISE THE LORD!!
I have to wait for the results which should be back on Monday so that he can determine exactly what we are going to do. I feel vindicated. And I feel excited that maybe I will return to my normal self soon. (see previous whining entries about weight, etc..)
He also has me scheduled for an ultrasound next Friday to check out my gallbladder, liver, etc since I had that weird attack of severe abdominal pain last Sunday at the MCS concert in Northern Virginia.
I'm so glad I went this morning. I feel like I started my weekend off with promising news. And you can't beat that!
Thursday, May 12, 2005
The best band EVER!
Motion City Soundtrack's new album comes out on June 7.
I, however, got an advanced copy because I have connections.
Actually, I have a COPY of the advanced copy because my parents won't let me have the real one. They are very selfish with their MCS.
I'm telling you - this CD is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
Matt has played me little bits of songs all throughout the recording process and I could tell this was going to be good. But the final product is incredible. It passes the "Car Test."
I feel like the only place I can TRULY judge the quality of a CD is in my car. Maybe it's being in that enclosed space with no other distractions? But the MCS CD in my car is overwhelming. One song I'm jamming - the next song I'm crying. The harmonies are gorgeous. The words are heartbreaking... It's just PRIMO. Get it.
P.S. If little tykes will be hearing your new copy of this amazing CD, you may want to purchase the edited version. The un-edited version drops the F-bomb quite a few times.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Will it ever end?
So I had another meltdown this morning. Another "clothes crisis." It's got to stop before I totally lose it. So I have an action plan to get closer to "acceptance" of myself to try and find some happiness in this aspect of my life again.
Some history: I have been in LOSING WEIGHT MODE for about 4 years now. It's been slow, but sure. And I've done a few different programs (Body for Life at one point, Weight Watchers currently...) but the point is, the scale has either stayed the same or has been heading downward for a LONG time.
About a year and a half ago, I started getting Depo Provera shots as a birth control method and honestly LOVED IT. It was so convenient and I didn't get any visits from Aunt Flo for the entire time! A.W.E.S.O.M.E.
I decided to get my last shot in November 2004 - that shot would last until the end of January 2005. My wedding date was February 12, 2005. We do want children sooner than later so I thought since it usually takes women a year or so to get back to "normal" after ending the shots, I would go ahead and begin that process.
And here is where I start to whine.
Since the last shot "ran out" and the Depo started leaving my system, I have felt like hell. Total hell. I have never dealt with coming off and/or switching BC before so all of these side effects are new to me. I have cramps, bloating, lethargy, etc.. But the worst of the WORST is that I have gained weight. FIFTEEN pounds, to be exact, in 3 months. This is not good.
First, I am vain, I guess. I was starting to really enjoy my body and my clothes and the way I was looking and feeling. I could fit into everything in my closet and I looked good!! This is a big deal for a girl who has been fat all her life and felt like disappearing into the background all the time. Now my stomach is hanging out and when I turn to the side I feel like it's hanging down to my knees! My thighs are giant. I now have a abdomen roll that is taking over the world!! This extra weight is all in my stomach, hips, and thighs. I feel like I have turned into a huge blob. A round ball.
And with this extra weight, nothing fits. NOTHING. This morning was kind of a "last straw" for me when I put on a pair of size 14 Old Navy pants that were a little lose on me a couple months ago, and now they are like LEGGINGS. I changed clothes 3 times. I had even left the house and gotten in the car when I looked down at myself and got OUT of the car, went back in, and changed again. That is crazy.
And I hate to say this outloud but I am also embarassed. Everyone who was complimenting me daily on how great I was looking; have stopped. I suppose everyone thinks my weight gain is from being a newlywed - and that is embarassing to me. I know I really need to just "let that go." I'm working on it....but it makes me not want to go out in public or see people I haven't seen in awhile. I have a haircut appt next week and I'm dreading it because I have not seen my hair guy since before the wedding - and I'm convinced he's going to think "wow - she's letting herself go already."
If I had been eating everything in site and sitting on my ass for the last 3 months, I could accept this much better because I would know that I played a part in this. But my actions have been quite the opposite. My eating has been great - with a few "cheats" in there, but I'm human. :) I've been to the gym atleast once/twice a week; sometimes more... As far as SCIENCE and LOGIC are concerned, I should be losing. And I'm gaining instead. And it hurts and it sucks and it makes me crazy. It's hard to accept when I'm doing so well!!
I went back to Weight Watchers right after the wedding so that I could get back that "fellowship" of meetings and the accountability of weigh-ins. I was so convinced that I would ROCK that I bought $100 worth of coupons. I went twice. Each time I gained after I was working so hard...and this is when I realized that something was out of whack with my body. So, I decided that it was self-defeating to keep weighing in when I knew that no matter what I did, I would get a gain instead of a loss. The coupons are good for a year. I just hope I can go back soon. I'm ready.
I know people keep saying "don't be so hard on yourself" or "it'll all work out in the end" and while that may be true, the negativity is still consuming my life. I've always had issues with depression and anxiety and weight - I've been on medication for this - and this situation i am currently going through is a GIANT test. And I'm TRYING to pass, but it's damn tough.
SO! My action plan.
I plan on continuing my good eating. I'm doing the CORE WW program which focuses more on "whole" foods and I do feel better (mentally) by eating more wholesome and natural foods. I plan on going to the gym atleast twice a week; and hopefully three times.
I plan on going home today and filling a giant plastic storage tub with all of my clothes that are too tight. Which is pretty much all of them. (No, I do not have any "fat" clothes to fall back on because as soon as I get too small for them, I get rid of them. That has been my strategy all along.) So now I plan on taking my credit card (which kills me to do but I feel like I am at the end of my rope) and going to Hecht's, JC Penney's, and Sears and getting some basic pieces in size 16's to mix and match that I can wear to work; and a few capri's that I can wear for warm weather since nothing from last year is even close to fitting! This is NOT a fun shopping trip for me. But I have to do it. I hope that when I get some pieces that fit and look decent, I'll feel better about myself in my current state.
It is the worst feeling to be uncomfortable in your own skin. It's even worse to not have any control over it; when I have been IN control of it for so long.
I have a Dr. appt next Friday to discuss this entire issue. I don't know what I expect to happen from that Dr. visit, but maybe it will help? We'll see.
Felt good to get that all out.... Thanks!
Some history: I have been in LOSING WEIGHT MODE for about 4 years now. It's been slow, but sure. And I've done a few different programs (Body for Life at one point, Weight Watchers currently...) but the point is, the scale has either stayed the same or has been heading downward for a LONG time.
About a year and a half ago, I started getting Depo Provera shots as a birth control method and honestly LOVED IT. It was so convenient and I didn't get any visits from Aunt Flo for the entire time! A.W.E.S.O.M.E.
I decided to get my last shot in November 2004 - that shot would last until the end of January 2005. My wedding date was February 12, 2005. We do want children sooner than later so I thought since it usually takes women a year or so to get back to "normal" after ending the shots, I would go ahead and begin that process.
And here is where I start to whine.
Since the last shot "ran out" and the Depo started leaving my system, I have felt like hell. Total hell. I have never dealt with coming off and/or switching BC before so all of these side effects are new to me. I have cramps, bloating, lethargy, etc.. But the worst of the WORST is that I have gained weight. FIFTEEN pounds, to be exact, in 3 months. This is not good.
First, I am vain, I guess. I was starting to really enjoy my body and my clothes and the way I was looking and feeling. I could fit into everything in my closet and I looked good!! This is a big deal for a girl who has been fat all her life and felt like disappearing into the background all the time. Now my stomach is hanging out and when I turn to the side I feel like it's hanging down to my knees! My thighs are giant. I now have a abdomen roll that is taking over the world!! This extra weight is all in my stomach, hips, and thighs. I feel like I have turned into a huge blob. A round ball.
And with this extra weight, nothing fits. NOTHING. This morning was kind of a "last straw" for me when I put on a pair of size 14 Old Navy pants that were a little lose on me a couple months ago, and now they are like LEGGINGS. I changed clothes 3 times. I had even left the house and gotten in the car when I looked down at myself and got OUT of the car, went back in, and changed again. That is crazy.
And I hate to say this outloud but I am also embarassed. Everyone who was complimenting me daily on how great I was looking; have stopped. I suppose everyone thinks my weight gain is from being a newlywed - and that is embarassing to me. I know I really need to just "let that go." I'm working on it....but it makes me not want to go out in public or see people I haven't seen in awhile. I have a haircut appt next week and I'm dreading it because I have not seen my hair guy since before the wedding - and I'm convinced he's going to think "wow - she's letting herself go already."
If I had been eating everything in site and sitting on my ass for the last 3 months, I could accept this much better because I would know that I played a part in this. But my actions have been quite the opposite. My eating has been great - with a few "cheats" in there, but I'm human. :) I've been to the gym atleast once/twice a week; sometimes more... As far as SCIENCE and LOGIC are concerned, I should be losing. And I'm gaining instead. And it hurts and it sucks and it makes me crazy. It's hard to accept when I'm doing so well!!
I went back to Weight Watchers right after the wedding so that I could get back that "fellowship" of meetings and the accountability of weigh-ins. I was so convinced that I would ROCK that I bought $100 worth of coupons. I went twice. Each time I gained after I was working so hard...and this is when I realized that something was out of whack with my body. So, I decided that it was self-defeating to keep weighing in when I knew that no matter what I did, I would get a gain instead of a loss. The coupons are good for a year. I just hope I can go back soon. I'm ready.
I know people keep saying "don't be so hard on yourself" or "it'll all work out in the end" and while that may be true, the negativity is still consuming my life. I've always had issues with depression and anxiety and weight - I've been on medication for this - and this situation i am currently going through is a GIANT test. And I'm TRYING to pass, but it's damn tough.
SO! My action plan.
I plan on continuing my good eating. I'm doing the CORE WW program which focuses more on "whole" foods and I do feel better (mentally) by eating more wholesome and natural foods. I plan on going to the gym atleast twice a week; and hopefully three times.
I plan on going home today and filling a giant plastic storage tub with all of my clothes that are too tight. Which is pretty much all of them. (No, I do not have any "fat" clothes to fall back on because as soon as I get too small for them, I get rid of them. That has been my strategy all along.) So now I plan on taking my credit card (which kills me to do but I feel like I am at the end of my rope) and going to Hecht's, JC Penney's, and Sears and getting some basic pieces in size 16's to mix and match that I can wear to work; and a few capri's that I can wear for warm weather since nothing from last year is even close to fitting! This is NOT a fun shopping trip for me. But I have to do it. I hope that when I get some pieces that fit and look decent, I'll feel better about myself in my current state.
It is the worst feeling to be uncomfortable in your own skin. It's even worse to not have any control over it; when I have been IN control of it for so long.
I have a Dr. appt next Friday to discuss this entire issue. I don't know what I expect to happen from that Dr. visit, but maybe it will help? We'll see.
Felt good to get that all out.... Thanks!
Friday, April 29, 2005
Wake up!
I have totally been neglectful of the blog!!
I realized this last night so I holed myself up on the computer room and wrote a big, long post - only to have blogspot eat it. It was upsetting to lose the blog, that I worked hard on, but I have to admit - updating the blog was not the only reason I holed myself up with the computer. It was to get away from the Giant Man Baby that was in the living room.
The GMB would be my husband. GOOD GRIEF!! This man experienced a near fatal falling accident 2 years ago that left him basically house-bound and has left him with chronic back and leg pain to this day...and you never hear a peep out of him.
But let him get a small case of the allergies and LOOK OUT. He's dying. Right then and there.
I'm sorry he felt bad. I really am. I'm not a totally insensitive beotch. But you ladies can understand, I'm sure. I hear that lots of men suffer from this condition when they get sick. :)
ANYWAY! He stayed home today so I am hoping he got a lot of rest and feels better. Love you honey!!
So, it's almost 3pm at work and I think I just might agree to give up my first born to someone if they would let me take a nap!! I'm so tired!! I guess it's the gloomy weather...but it's also me. My body has been out of whack for a long time...and after blood tests coming back normal - no one has a clue why I always feel so bad all the time! But I'm just going to keep trucking and eating right and getting some exercise in.... I just trust I will start feeling better any day now!
Overall, life is good. :)
Toby tore down the old 6ft privacy fence around the backyard (that was crumbling down anyway) and put up a new, short picket fence - and it looks so great!! As soon as he finishes the gate part, we can let Abby outside again without fear of her squeezing her huge body through the fence slats and running the neighborhood. I am so excited for this - as it should really help the dog hair tumbleweed problem inside the house. Sometimes I could cry looking at the carpet in our house now. Not even a SHOP-VAC is helping! We definitely need all 3 bedroom carpets replaced - before we even think about having children. But this only takes money!! We just spent our honeymoon money on the fence! But it was a necessity - we'll just go on a smaller-scale honeymoon in the fall. Gotta love compromise.
So the house is coming along.... slowly but surely....
Work is ok. I'm still finding myself highly annoyed atleast a few times a day. I just feel like I am babysitting a lot. I want my OWN job with my OWN goals and my OWN responsibilities. I'm done with the "support role."
I did not get the promotion I had applied for...and for that I am SO GRATEFUL! For one, I would have been working with someone that is not nice - to say the least. And no money or grade is worth being miserable at work - you spend more time at work than at home! (How sad is that?) Anyway, I also think it was good that I did not get that job because it was just another "support role" - a step up, but SUPPORT nonetheless. Maybe I need to move in an ENTIRELY different direction. Actually, there is no MAYBE about it. Definitely.
My family is doing great - and I'm going to see Motion City Soundtrack on Sunday in Northern VA! Right after the show, Matt is hopping in the car with us and coming home for a few days. On Tuesday night, MCS is playing at Alley Katz and I am SO EXCITED about that. Lots of people are going.... I love showing Matt off. He's so GOOD!!
I think I am going to head upstairs now and get a coffee...and eat my crustless pumpkin pie that I brought. Maybe some food and beverage will wake me up.
I realized this last night so I holed myself up on the computer room and wrote a big, long post - only to have blogspot eat it. It was upsetting to lose the blog, that I worked hard on, but I have to admit - updating the blog was not the only reason I holed myself up with the computer. It was to get away from the Giant Man Baby that was in the living room.
The GMB would be my husband. GOOD GRIEF!! This man experienced a near fatal falling accident 2 years ago that left him basically house-bound and has left him with chronic back and leg pain to this day...and you never hear a peep out of him.
But let him get a small case of the allergies and LOOK OUT. He's dying. Right then and there.
I'm sorry he felt bad. I really am. I'm not a totally insensitive beotch. But you ladies can understand, I'm sure. I hear that lots of men suffer from this condition when they get sick. :)
ANYWAY! He stayed home today so I am hoping he got a lot of rest and feels better. Love you honey!!
So, it's almost 3pm at work and I think I just might agree to give up my first born to someone if they would let me take a nap!! I'm so tired!! I guess it's the gloomy weather...but it's also me. My body has been out of whack for a long time...and after blood tests coming back normal - no one has a clue why I always feel so bad all the time! But I'm just going to keep trucking and eating right and getting some exercise in.... I just trust I will start feeling better any day now!
Overall, life is good. :)
Toby tore down the old 6ft privacy fence around the backyard (that was crumbling down anyway) and put up a new, short picket fence - and it looks so great!! As soon as he finishes the gate part, we can let Abby outside again without fear of her squeezing her huge body through the fence slats and running the neighborhood. I am so excited for this - as it should really help the dog hair tumbleweed problem inside the house. Sometimes I could cry looking at the carpet in our house now. Not even a SHOP-VAC is helping! We definitely need all 3 bedroom carpets replaced - before we even think about having children. But this only takes money!! We just spent our honeymoon money on the fence! But it was a necessity - we'll just go on a smaller-scale honeymoon in the fall. Gotta love compromise.
So the house is coming along.... slowly but surely....
Work is ok. I'm still finding myself highly annoyed atleast a few times a day. I just feel like I am babysitting a lot. I want my OWN job with my OWN goals and my OWN responsibilities. I'm done with the "support role."
I did not get the promotion I had applied for...and for that I am SO GRATEFUL! For one, I would have been working with someone that is not nice - to say the least. And no money or grade is worth being miserable at work - you spend more time at work than at home! (How sad is that?) Anyway, I also think it was good that I did not get that job because it was just another "support role" - a step up, but SUPPORT nonetheless. Maybe I need to move in an ENTIRELY different direction. Actually, there is no MAYBE about it. Definitely.
My family is doing great - and I'm going to see Motion City Soundtrack on Sunday in Northern VA! Right after the show, Matt is hopping in the car with us and coming home for a few days. On Tuesday night, MCS is playing at Alley Katz and I am SO EXCITED about that. Lots of people are going.... I love showing Matt off. He's so GOOD!!
I think I am going to head upstairs now and get a coffee...and eat my crustless pumpkin pie that I brought. Maybe some food and beverage will wake me up.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
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