Will it ever end?

So I had another meltdown this morning. Another "clothes crisis." It's got to stop before I totally lose it. So I have an action plan to get closer to "acceptance" of myself to try and find some happiness in this aspect of my life again.

Some history: I have been in LOSING WEIGHT MODE for about 4 years now. It's been slow, but sure. And I've done a few different programs (Body for Life at one point, Weight Watchers currently...) but the point is, the scale has either stayed the same or has been heading downward for a LONG time.

About a year and a half ago, I started getting Depo Provera shots as a birth control method and honestly LOVED IT. It was so convenient and I didn't get any visits from Aunt Flo for the entire time! A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

I decided to get my last shot in November 2004 - that shot would last until the end of January 2005. My wedding date was February 12, 2005. We do want children sooner than later so I thought since it usually takes women a year or so to get back to "normal" after ending the shots, I would go ahead and begin that process.

And here is where I start to whine.

Since the last shot "ran out" and the Depo started leaving my system, I have felt like hell. Total hell. I have never dealt with coming off and/or switching BC before so all of these side effects are new to me. I have cramps, bloating, lethargy, etc.. But the worst of the WORST is that I have gained weight. FIFTEEN pounds, to be exact, in 3 months. This is not good.

First, I am vain, I guess. I was starting to really enjoy my body and my clothes and the way I was looking and feeling. I could fit into everything in my closet and I looked good!! This is a big deal for a girl who has been fat all her life and felt like disappearing into the background all the time. Now my stomach is hanging out and when I turn to the side I feel like it's hanging down to my knees! My thighs are giant. I now have a abdomen roll that is taking over the world!! This extra weight is all in my stomach, hips, and thighs. I feel like I have turned into a huge blob. A round ball.

And with this extra weight, nothing fits. NOTHING. This morning was kind of a "last straw" for me when I put on a pair of size 14 Old Navy pants that were a little lose on me a couple months ago, and now they are like LEGGINGS. I changed clothes 3 times. I had even left the house and gotten in the car when I looked down at myself and got OUT of the car, went back in, and changed again. That is crazy.

And I hate to say this outloud but I am also embarassed. Everyone who was complimenting me daily on how great I was looking; have stopped. I suppose everyone thinks my weight gain is from being a newlywed - and that is embarassing to me. I know I really need to just "let that go." I'm working on it....but it makes me not want to go out in public or see people I haven't seen in awhile. I have a haircut appt next week and I'm dreading it because I have not seen my hair guy since before the wedding - and I'm convinced he's going to think "wow - she's letting herself go already."

If I had been eating everything in site and sitting on my ass for the last 3 months, I could accept this much better because I would know that I played a part in this. But my actions have been quite the opposite. My eating has been great - with a few "cheats" in there, but I'm human. :) I've been to the gym atleast once/twice a week; sometimes more... As far as SCIENCE and LOGIC are concerned, I should be losing. And I'm gaining instead. And it hurts and it sucks and it makes me crazy. It's hard to accept when I'm doing so well!!

I went back to Weight Watchers right after the wedding so that I could get back that "fellowship" of meetings and the accountability of weigh-ins. I was so convinced that I would ROCK that I bought $100 worth of coupons. I went twice. Each time I gained after I was working so hard...and this is when I realized that something was out of whack with my body. So, I decided that it was self-defeating to keep weighing in when I knew that no matter what I did, I would get a gain instead of a loss. The coupons are good for a year. I just hope I can go back soon. I'm ready.

I know people keep saying "don't be so hard on yourself" or "it'll all work out in the end" and while that may be true, the negativity is still consuming my life. I've always had issues with depression and anxiety and weight - I've been on medication for this - and this situation i am currently going through is a GIANT test. And I'm TRYING to pass, but it's damn tough.

SO! My action plan.

I plan on continuing my good eating. I'm doing the CORE WW program which focuses more on "whole" foods and I do feel better (mentally) by eating more wholesome and natural foods. I plan on going to the gym atleast twice a week; and hopefully three times.

I plan on going home today and filling a giant plastic storage tub with all of my clothes that are too tight. Which is pretty much all of them. (No, I do not have any "fat" clothes to fall back on because as soon as I get too small for them, I get rid of them. That has been my strategy all along.) So now I plan on taking my credit card (which kills me to do but I feel like I am at the end of my rope) and going to Hecht's, JC Penney's, and Sears and getting some basic pieces in size 16's to mix and match that I can wear to work; and a few capri's that I can wear for warm weather since nothing from last year is even close to fitting! This is NOT a fun shopping trip for me. But I have to do it. I hope that when I get some pieces that fit and look decent, I'll feel better about myself in my current state.

It is the worst feeling to be uncomfortable in your own skin. It's even worse to not have any control over it; when I have been IN control of it for so long.

I have a Dr. appt next Friday to discuss this entire issue. I don't know what I expect to happen from that Dr. visit, but maybe it will help? We'll see.

Felt good to get that all out.... Thanks!