Life is good. It really is.
Sometimes you have to muddle through bad to get to the good. And then since you were IN the bad, you appreciate the good all the more.
How's THAT for deep and insightful????
And actually, that's all I'm going to say. I went through bad, and now I feel good.
I'm feeling a little better physically. I truly feel that I am one of those people who when they are under a lot of stress, they are affected physically more than mentally. I already feel lighter and peppier - and hope to start exercising regularly again soon. My Restless Leg is still there - and probably always will be - but I just need to learn how to manage it better. I bought some all-natural restless leg medicine that I should be receiving in the mail soon. Can't hurt to try! And it has a 100% guarantee.
I think I ate 6 hamburgers last week. LOL! We grilled out a lot of burgers on Father's Day and had tons left over so that's what I have been grabbing for quick, easy meals. THAT needs to stop. But other than that, I do enjoy healthy eating and I don't think I ever abandoned that; even during stressful times - but I certainly can do better.
I'm still keeping my endocrinology appt for August - but I won't be shocked if they don't find anything wrong again.
Like my brother said in an e-mail yesterday- "It's pretty amazing what a stronghold your MIND has over your BODY."
He's a wise boy, that Rockstar.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
Reflections
This may be a long one... Been doing a lot of thinking. (Uh oh! Look out!)
I feel like a stranger in my own body. I'm constantly hurting, feeling funny, getting fatter, being exhausted, aching, feeling crazy, not sleeping, getting upset and stressed, etc etc etc.
It's so hard!!!
You know what else is hard? Being married.
You know what is harder? Getting married and LIVING TOGETHER for the first time.
You know what is the hardEST??
All of these things mixed together at once.
I wouldn't recommend it.
But here I am . Doing it. Barely. But I'm doing it. And I have faith that I (we) will make it through all this and be better people (and a better couple) for it....but it's HARD. I ain't gone lie.
Been trying to decipher my health problems too... There are so many factors that it COULD be making me feel this crazy way....going off birth control, going off anti-depressant, getting back on the anti-depressant, wrong dosage of anti-depressant, restless leg causing exhaustion thus causing depression thus causing exhaustion and weight gain. WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WHAT THE HECK IS IT?? For an obsessive compulsive planner like myself, this is not my chosen way of living - in limbo. I want some answers! And thing seem to be getting worse....
Lately, my Restless Leg is OUT OF CONTROL. http://www.restlessleg.net/#1
I can't fall to sleep because of my legs. It takes me FOREVER. When I can't fall asleep, I think about things. We all know about that time right before you fall asleep when you mind goes a little nuts with EVERYTHING you could possibly worry about going through your mind...well, you get the picture. So, I am anxious and have to keep moving and flexing my legs so they don't EXPLODE. I eventually start feeling guily that I am keeping Toby up so I move to the futon in the other room. I supposed I eventually pass out from exhaustion because I wake up the next day and wonder "when did I fall asleep?" but I know it was LATE because the last time I looked at the clock it was LATE. And even when I am sleeping, my body really isn't because of the RLS, so it's like I never even slept. It's getting increasingly bad lately with atleast 4 nights a week spent on the futon. So lately I'm starting to think maybe THIS is the ROOT of all of the health problems... Like the beginning of a cruel chain reaction of health disorders!!??
Regardless, my Dr. made an appointment for me for an endocrinologist at St. Mary's Hospital for August 12. That is the absolute earliest that they had. Nice.
I am waiting for my medical records from my PCP. Once I get those, I am going to try to find a new PCP that specializes in Internal Medicine. I have a couple recommendations from friends I would like to check out. This is for a 2nd opinion regarding my anti-depressants and Restless Leg Syndrome. I am still going to go to the Endo to have further Thyroid testing; but I am not expecting that to pan out.
I'm starting to think it's not thyroid.
I have an OB/GYN appt in a couple weeks and I will also be chatting with him about some of this stuff...and asking for a referral to see the new woman counselor at his practice.
And then I'm going to the Credit Union to take out a personal loan to cover all of my co-pays.
Don't even get me STARTED on money.
I feel like a stranger in my own body. I'm constantly hurting, feeling funny, getting fatter, being exhausted, aching, feeling crazy, not sleeping, getting upset and stressed, etc etc etc.
It's so hard!!!
You know what else is hard? Being married.
You know what is harder? Getting married and LIVING TOGETHER for the first time.
You know what is the hardEST??
All of these things mixed together at once.
I wouldn't recommend it.
But here I am . Doing it. Barely. But I'm doing it. And I have faith that I (we) will make it through all this and be better people (and a better couple) for it....but it's HARD. I ain't gone lie.
Been trying to decipher my health problems too... There are so many factors that it COULD be making me feel this crazy way....going off birth control, going off anti-depressant, getting back on the anti-depressant, wrong dosage of anti-depressant, restless leg causing exhaustion thus causing depression thus causing exhaustion and weight gain. WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WHAT THE HECK IS IT?? For an obsessive compulsive planner like myself, this is not my chosen way of living - in limbo. I want some answers! And thing seem to be getting worse....
Lately, my Restless Leg is OUT OF CONTROL. http://www.restlessleg.net/#1
I can't fall to sleep because of my legs. It takes me FOREVER. When I can't fall asleep, I think about things. We all know about that time right before you fall asleep when you mind goes a little nuts with EVERYTHING you could possibly worry about going through your mind...well, you get the picture. So, I am anxious and have to keep moving and flexing my legs so they don't EXPLODE. I eventually start feeling guily that I am keeping Toby up so I move to the futon in the other room. I supposed I eventually pass out from exhaustion because I wake up the next day and wonder "when did I fall asleep?" but I know it was LATE because the last time I looked at the clock it was LATE. And even when I am sleeping, my body really isn't because of the RLS, so it's like I never even slept. It's getting increasingly bad lately with atleast 4 nights a week spent on the futon. So lately I'm starting to think maybe THIS is the ROOT of all of the health problems... Like the beginning of a cruel chain reaction of health disorders!!??
Regardless, my Dr. made an appointment for me for an endocrinologist at St. Mary's Hospital for August 12. That is the absolute earliest that they had. Nice.
I am waiting for my medical records from my PCP. Once I get those, I am going to try to find a new PCP that specializes in Internal Medicine. I have a couple recommendations from friends I would like to check out. This is for a 2nd opinion regarding my anti-depressants and Restless Leg Syndrome. I am still going to go to the Endo to have further Thyroid testing; but I am not expecting that to pan out.
I'm starting to think it's not thyroid.
I have an OB/GYN appt in a couple weeks and I will also be chatting with him about some of this stuff...and asking for a referral to see the new woman counselor at his practice.
And then I'm going to the Credit Union to take out a personal loan to cover all of my co-pays.
Don't even get me STARTED on money.
Monday, June 20, 2005
...and the saga continues
Thyroid is normal. NORMAL. My TSH level is 2.278. That's the only thing they tested.
He is referring me to an endocrinologist at MCV. I'll let him do that and see what happens....I'm sure there are more in-depth tests that a specialist can do...
However, if I don't like him or don't feel like anyone is listening to me (AGAIN) then I'm taking MY OWN show on the road and finding someone myself.
I just sent the check to my Dr's office for my medical records, so once I am armed with those, I can make some decisions.
He is referring me to an endocrinologist at MCV. I'll let him do that and see what happens....I'm sure there are more in-depth tests that a specialist can do...
However, if I don't like him or don't feel like anyone is listening to me (AGAIN) then I'm taking MY OWN show on the road and finding someone myself.
I just sent the check to my Dr's office for my medical records, so once I am armed with those, I can make some decisions.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I'm Famous!!
Matt's Video is premiering tonight on FUSE at 6pm on the Daily Download show. I'm leaving work early to make sure I get home. I hope Toby is home so I can share the experience with someone!! I don't want to be by myself. I wish Denny could be there - I know he'd scream and jump up and down on the couches with me.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
I'm it!
I've been tagged by Leslie (http://confessionsofapenguin.blogspot.com/)!
My 6 all-time favorite songs (You know this is IMPOSSIBLE to do...)
1. Home Sweet Home - Motley Crue
2. Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi
3. P Control - Prince
4. Least Complicated - Indigo Girls (I have about 500 favorite Indigo Girls songs...)
5. Precious Things - Tori Amos (basically, the whole Little Earthquakes album...)
6. TIE! Down in it - Nine Inch Nails and Summertime Rolls - Jane's Addiction
Leslie, I think you are the only bloggy person who reads this!! Can you be tagged again? :)
My 6 all-time favorite songs (You know this is IMPOSSIBLE to do...)
1. Home Sweet Home - Motley Crue
2. Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi
3. P Control - Prince
4. Least Complicated - Indigo Girls (I have about 500 favorite Indigo Girls songs...)
5. Precious Things - Tori Amos (basically, the whole Little Earthquakes album...)
6. TIE! Down in it - Nine Inch Nails and Summertime Rolls - Jane's Addiction
Leslie, I think you are the only bloggy person who reads this!! Can you be tagged again? :)
Another day, Another Co-Pay
Just got back from the lovely Hanover Family Physicians and saw my new best friend Dr. Petrizzi. He must have been on a tight schedule because it was the most rushed I have ever felt. I mean like REALLY rushed.
I had printed out the list of Hypothyroid symptoms that Wennie posted on the 20's - and had written in specific examples of each and how I was being affected. At the top it said SYMPTOMS OF HYPOTHYROIDISM and I prefaced showing him the list with "Not that I think I have this because I know my test came back normal..." and he glanced at my paper (never even read it) and he said "Have we tested your thyroid?" and I was like "Well I sure as hell hope so!"
I mean, our last appt was spent DISCUSSING the thyroid and that is when he ordered the blood tests and came back with prolactin levels wacky and I had the MRI...but since they never MENTIONED thyroid specifically in my results (just the prolactin), I just thought it was normal because I was almost positive that he was going to test it! So he looks at his computer and says they have not tested my thyroid since 2003!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My OBGYN did test it last year some time and it was normal (and this was also BEFORE I came off the Depo which is rumoured to be linked to thyroid problems....) However, my PCP hasn't tested it in years even though I was under the impression he had. GEEZ. Miscommunication sucks. So, I got more blood work done today and should hear something by Friday. Oh goodie! MORE waiting for results.
Regardless, I am going to an endocrinologist as soon as I hear the results and I am not counting on them being abnormal since nothing seems to be coming back abnormal. That would be too easy.
He did say that "SOMETHING is cranking on my endocrine system." (direct quote)
Please continue to keep me in your prayers that I get an answer soon because at this rate, I'll be 300 lbs by Christmas.
I had printed out the list of Hypothyroid symptoms that Wennie posted on the 20's - and had written in specific examples of each and how I was being affected. At the top it said SYMPTOMS OF HYPOTHYROIDISM and I prefaced showing him the list with "Not that I think I have this because I know my test came back normal..." and he glanced at my paper (never even read it) and he said "Have we tested your thyroid?" and I was like "Well I sure as hell hope so!"
I mean, our last appt was spent DISCUSSING the thyroid and that is when he ordered the blood tests and came back with prolactin levels wacky and I had the MRI...but since they never MENTIONED thyroid specifically in my results (just the prolactin), I just thought it was normal because I was almost positive that he was going to test it! So he looks at his computer and says they have not tested my thyroid since 2003!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My OBGYN did test it last year some time and it was normal (and this was also BEFORE I came off the Depo which is rumoured to be linked to thyroid problems....) However, my PCP hasn't tested it in years even though I was under the impression he had. GEEZ. Miscommunication sucks. So, I got more blood work done today and should hear something by Friday. Oh goodie! MORE waiting for results.
Regardless, I am going to an endocrinologist as soon as I hear the results and I am not counting on them being abnormal since nothing seems to be coming back abnormal. That would be too easy.
He did say that "SOMETHING is cranking on my endocrine system." (direct quote)
Please continue to keep me in your prayers that I get an answer soon because at this rate, I'll be 300 lbs by Christmas.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
MJ is free and I'm getting fatter.
Don't know which one upsets me more.
Actually, I am not shocked at the MJ verdict as I was pretty certain that the evidence was not there to convict him in a court of law. Was the evidence there for ME to think he's guilty as sin? Hell yeah. Bottom line is you CAN'T convict someone unless the physical evidence is there. Sure, it happens. But it shouldn't.
I'm not saying he ain't a crazy mo-fo with some major issues that need serious help.... But the prosecution didn't do it's job to the fullest extent. Or someone got paid. (Did I just say that?)
Just a thought - it's just such a coinky-dink that all of these "hollywood trials" end up with there not being enough evidence to convict beyond a shadow of a doubt.....Things that make you go hmmmm?
ANYHOO - Fatter, I am getting. I'm ready to just burst with disgust of this situation. I know it's hard for someone who has never had a weight problem/issue to understand the mental anguish this is putting me though. I'm sure people are thinking "Shut the F up already!!" But these 20 lbs might as well be 200.
Toby does not understand. He flat out said if I would go walk the trail at Rockwood Park a couple times a week, my problem would be solved. Thanks for the suggestion, honey, but IT'S NOT THAT. Now go back to eating your entire Digiourno Pizza and 4 Whitecastle Cheeseburgers. I love you.
I actually am feeling better since I went back on the Lexapro last week. I am no longer crying 500 times a day at nothing...and my obsessive analyzing has subsided somewhat and hopefully soon will disappear completely. I even felt "light on my feet" after a few days...like maybe since the depression/anxiety was leaving maybe some pounds will be going with it too! Many people say that losing weight is in your mind and my mind is getting better - so let me weigh and see - and I did and had lost 3 lbs. These days, 3 lbs is like losing 30 lbs to me ...It's MONUMENTAL. So I was walking on sunshine for a few days...but I started to feel a little heavy again this morning and my clothes were tight so I weighed and had gained 4.
&^$%$$&)(*&%$$%^*&^%&*()(*^^%^&*
(Repeat that exact scenerio 8000 times and you just witnessed my life since March 1.)
I have a Dr. appt tomorrow morning to discuss the MRI results (or lack thereof) and my primary topic will be weight loss. This is torture - utter torture.
I have a laundry list of symptoms of Hypothyroidism that I printed from the internet; complete with handwritten additions and explanations to each one that I am experiencing. I am expecting good conversation tomorrow. And if this thyroid thing STILL goes no where, I am asking about SOMETHING I can take to jumpstart/shock my metabolism into WORKING, FOR GOODNESS SAKE.
I asked about the prescribed weight loss medications on the Twenties site and got some responses about the drug Xenical and all of it's glorious side effects, namely Anal Leakage. Just saying those 2 words together in that order makes me want to vomit.
This weight gain feels SO bad, I actually thought about it for a sec.
THAT should give you guys some perspective - I'd rather deal with Anal Leakage than this weight!
But then I shook my head and snapped out of it. I mean, it's ANAL LEAKAGE.
It's never THAT bad. Right?!?!?!?!?!
Actually, I am not shocked at the MJ verdict as I was pretty certain that the evidence was not there to convict him in a court of law. Was the evidence there for ME to think he's guilty as sin? Hell yeah. Bottom line is you CAN'T convict someone unless the physical evidence is there. Sure, it happens. But it shouldn't.
I'm not saying he ain't a crazy mo-fo with some major issues that need serious help.... But the prosecution didn't do it's job to the fullest extent. Or someone got paid. (Did I just say that?)
Just a thought - it's just such a coinky-dink that all of these "hollywood trials" end up with there not being enough evidence to convict beyond a shadow of a doubt.....Things that make you go hmmmm?
ANYHOO - Fatter, I am getting. I'm ready to just burst with disgust of this situation. I know it's hard for someone who has never had a weight problem/issue to understand the mental anguish this is putting me though. I'm sure people are thinking "Shut the F up already!!" But these 20 lbs might as well be 200.
Toby does not understand. He flat out said if I would go walk the trail at Rockwood Park a couple times a week, my problem would be solved. Thanks for the suggestion, honey, but IT'S NOT THAT. Now go back to eating your entire Digiourno Pizza and 4 Whitecastle Cheeseburgers. I love you.
I actually am feeling better since I went back on the Lexapro last week. I am no longer crying 500 times a day at nothing...and my obsessive analyzing has subsided somewhat and hopefully soon will disappear completely. I even felt "light on my feet" after a few days...like maybe since the depression/anxiety was leaving maybe some pounds will be going with it too! Many people say that losing weight is in your mind and my mind is getting better - so let me weigh and see - and I did and had lost 3 lbs. These days, 3 lbs is like losing 30 lbs to me ...It's MONUMENTAL. So I was walking on sunshine for a few days...but I started to feel a little heavy again this morning and my clothes were tight so I weighed and had gained 4.
&^$%$$&)(*&%$$%^*&^%&*()(*^^%^&*
(Repeat that exact scenerio 8000 times and you just witnessed my life since March 1.)
I have a Dr. appt tomorrow morning to discuss the MRI results (or lack thereof) and my primary topic will be weight loss. This is torture - utter torture.
I have a laundry list of symptoms of Hypothyroidism that I printed from the internet; complete with handwritten additions and explanations to each one that I am experiencing. I am expecting good conversation tomorrow. And if this thyroid thing STILL goes no where, I am asking about SOMETHING I can take to jumpstart/shock my metabolism into WORKING, FOR GOODNESS SAKE.
I asked about the prescribed weight loss medications on the Twenties site and got some responses about the drug Xenical and all of it's glorious side effects, namely Anal Leakage. Just saying those 2 words together in that order makes me want to vomit.
This weight gain feels SO bad, I actually thought about it for a sec.
THAT should give you guys some perspective - I'd rather deal with Anal Leakage than this weight!
But then I shook my head and snapped out of it. I mean, it's ANAL LEAKAGE.
It's never THAT bad. Right?!?!?!?!?!
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Defendant, how do you plead?
Not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.
Anyway, I got my MRI results and they came back fine. Nothing abnormal was found. When the nurse told me that, I instantly welled up with tears, got pissed off, called my Mom, bitched, and then worked myself back down again... I mean, THANK GOD nothing serious is wrong with me! Really!
I did a lot of thinking and a lot of talking last night. I went to my parent's house and lounged in the hot tub with my aunt Sunah and my great friend Morgen. Though conversations and through my own thinking, I've worked something out. I think it took a diagnosis of "there is nothing physically wrong with you" to make me look at it all from a different angle. And a lightbulb went off. I feel a little at peace.
So here's my story:
In 1999, I was in North Carolina, getting ready to graduate in a few months...and I started to feel very ill physically. I was so run down, and tired, and my limbs would go numb a lot, and I was upset a lot, and cried a lot, and made mountains out of molehills, and had stomach problems (sound familiar yet?) So I was ordered to come home to VA for a week and have extensive testing done. THey thought I had diabetes, they thought I had this, they though I had that...and the final diagnosis? Severe anxiety and depression.
So I was put on meds and sent back to school - and I got my life back.
That summer I moved to Richmond and Denny came with me and we lived on Allison Street in the Fan and that was SUCH a great time in my life - and major growing phase for me. I continued to take my meds like a good girl; however I was switched a few times in there due to some side effects. By this point, I had been on Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin... A year or so into living on Allison Street, I was feeling SO great and I was SO poor, I decided that I did not need the pills anymore so I stopped taking them. I was great for awhile...but I slowly started to get a little nutso. And I can look back now and tell you all this - I was not aware of it when I was going through it. I started experiencing the same mood swings and attitude problems, but also physically I was exhausted again and just BLAH. It got to the point where I was so miserable (and I started to realize I was making those around me miserable) that I went back to the Dr. and he immediately put me on Paxil - a medication that is meant for anxiety - which is great because I am pretty sure my depression is CAUSED by my anxiety. I felt like a million bucks.
But the side effects were bad. So after a year on Paxil, I was put on Lexapro - the wonder drug! This medication is wonderful with hardly any side effects. I felt like a normal human again who could live life and enjoy it and not analyze it and just BE ME. Be the person that other people loved.
So fast forward to November 2004 - I'm getting married in February and Toby and I have talked about wanting children and I knew that would be a possiblity sooner than later, so I decided that November would be the last time I would get the Depo Provera Birth Control shot - which lasts 3 months. I've also read that for the BC to get completely out of your system could take a year or more! So I was being proactive and just went ahead and got off of it.
January 2004 - I visited my PCP for some reason or another (can't remember!) and we talked about the Lexapro and I asked him about the connection between Lexapro and Pregnancy - what's the deal? He said that I could not take it while pregnant and if I found out I was pregnant at some point, I would have to stop it immediately and that basically there was no safe anti-depressant medication I could take. So that kind of threw me for a loop. I decided to come off the Lexapro the RIGHT way...ween it out of my system...and again being PRO-ACTIVE just incase a pregnancy happened...Just incase. I started taking half a pill every day, then half every other day, then a quarter every day, every other day, every third day, then nothing....
Mind you, January was the same month the birth control would run out as well. Two MAJOR medications that affect hormones/chemicals leaving my body at the same time.
DUH!!!!!!!
It took a month or so for me to start feeling rotten. We got married on February 12 and I felt AMAZING at that time and I looked good and was pleased with myself and my life and my DRESS and just everything. I am so thankful that I was feeling good at that time - because if I had felt like THIS back then, I can't guarantee my memories of my wedding would be so incredible....
About 3 weeks newly married, I really started to feel kind of down and sluggish...I was doing the CORE plan by Weight Watchers and going to the gym here at work atleast 3 mornings a week... And I was gaining. So I'd tweak my eating by "changing it up" and still going to the gym to have treadmill sessions...Still gaining. By the end of March, I had gained over 10 lbs and I was BEYOND frustrated. I just kept trucking along and complaining to my friends (a million thank you's to my Tonic Twenties) who kept telling me that it would get better and my good eating and exercising behaviors would eventually catch up and I'd see a loss. But I kept gaining...And getting worse emotionally...And worse physically...and eventually stopped working out because of fatigue. I switched my eating to the WW Points System and even went back to meetings for a few weeks and CONTINUED to gain - so I stopped going and paying $11 a week for someone behind a scale to tell me I had gained again.
I KNOW THIS, BEOTCH! (see how mean I was getting in my head!!)
So, weeks pass and turn into a month or so and I get so bad that I'm crying every time I have to get dressed and crying at women winning concert tickets on the radio (that is not a joke. I did it.) and I'm 20 lbs heavier and miserable.
I decide to go to the Dr. who did blood tests, found the elevated prolactin level, ordered the MRI, results came back normal, and HERE I SIT.
A virtual rollercoaster of emotion, fat rolls, and tight pants.
Needless to say, I am back on the Lexapro TODAY. I'll burn the pregnancy bridge when I come to it.
And I am hopeful that I will return to my "normal" (what is that anymore?) self in a few weeks...
So, last night I was telling all of this to Toby and he says "So basically you are pleading temporary insanity?" and I said, "Basically yeah." :)
I'm still not convinced that I don't have a thyroid issue in there somewhere. Toby was trying to tell me that we eat out a lot (once a week, no more than anyone else, and 90% of the time I eat healthy) and that we are slugs (I'm not IMMOBILE! I may not have been working out at the gym for the past 2 months...but I was working out the first 2 months when I was gaining - and for 3 years previous to that!) and that we snack at night (you know what I'm snacking on? A rice cake with some Better n' PB or fruit or a fat free popcicle. Not exactly pigging out.)
I'm truly not trying to be combative or try to defend or hide any bad eating behavior. Sure, I cheat sometimes. I'll eat a pint of B&J's every 2 weeks or so for that ice cream fix. However, I am NOT going to believe that I contributed to a 20 lb gain - other than my decision to take myself off meds which in turn made my body freak out. After nearly 4 years of diet plans and gym sessions and 40 lbs lost, I will not blame myself. I can't. And I won't. The thyroid issue is not dead with me yet.... But in the meantime, I will continue with my food journals and I'll get back into the gym. My plan is to go at 10:50 am every day, get dressed and onto the treadmill by 11am, so I can watch ELLEN while I walk. I love her and her dancing makes me happy.
I have my yearly GIRL exam next month and at that time I will talk to my OB/GYN about all this...(so far, I have only been working with my PCP) This will be the first time I have ever looked forward to one of THOSE appointments! The Virginia Women's Center (where he is located) has also added a women's psychologist to the practice who deals with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, stress management, and the role of fitness on health and well-being. I think it's time I saw a therapist and I think that she will be a good place to start.
When I look back, I want to KICK myself for coming off 2 major emotion-affecting medications at the same time that I was newly married, moved into a new home to live with my new husband after living alone for a long time...now having to TRULY grow up and cook, clean, take care of a home, a mortgage, bills, etc. Probably the most DIFFICULT (but exciting) time in my life - and I was doing it with no help from the medication I have depended on for years.
Anyway, I got my MRI results and they came back fine. Nothing abnormal was found. When the nurse told me that, I instantly welled up with tears, got pissed off, called my Mom, bitched, and then worked myself back down again... I mean, THANK GOD nothing serious is wrong with me! Really!
I did a lot of thinking and a lot of talking last night. I went to my parent's house and lounged in the hot tub with my aunt Sunah and my great friend Morgen. Though conversations and through my own thinking, I've worked something out. I think it took a diagnosis of "there is nothing physically wrong with you" to make me look at it all from a different angle. And a lightbulb went off. I feel a little at peace.
So here's my story:
In 1999, I was in North Carolina, getting ready to graduate in a few months...and I started to feel very ill physically. I was so run down, and tired, and my limbs would go numb a lot, and I was upset a lot, and cried a lot, and made mountains out of molehills, and had stomach problems (sound familiar yet?) So I was ordered to come home to VA for a week and have extensive testing done. THey thought I had diabetes, they thought I had this, they though I had that...and the final diagnosis? Severe anxiety and depression.
So I was put on meds and sent back to school - and I got my life back.
That summer I moved to Richmond and Denny came with me and we lived on Allison Street in the Fan and that was SUCH a great time in my life - and major growing phase for me. I continued to take my meds like a good girl; however I was switched a few times in there due to some side effects. By this point, I had been on Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin... A year or so into living on Allison Street, I was feeling SO great and I was SO poor, I decided that I did not need the pills anymore so I stopped taking them. I was great for awhile...but I slowly started to get a little nutso. And I can look back now and tell you all this - I was not aware of it when I was going through it. I started experiencing the same mood swings and attitude problems, but also physically I was exhausted again and just BLAH. It got to the point where I was so miserable (and I started to realize I was making those around me miserable) that I went back to the Dr. and he immediately put me on Paxil - a medication that is meant for anxiety - which is great because I am pretty sure my depression is CAUSED by my anxiety. I felt like a million bucks.
But the side effects were bad. So after a year on Paxil, I was put on Lexapro - the wonder drug! This medication is wonderful with hardly any side effects. I felt like a normal human again who could live life and enjoy it and not analyze it and just BE ME. Be the person that other people loved.
So fast forward to November 2004 - I'm getting married in February and Toby and I have talked about wanting children and I knew that would be a possiblity sooner than later, so I decided that November would be the last time I would get the Depo Provera Birth Control shot - which lasts 3 months. I've also read that for the BC to get completely out of your system could take a year or more! So I was being proactive and just went ahead and got off of it.
January 2004 - I visited my PCP for some reason or another (can't remember!) and we talked about the Lexapro and I asked him about the connection between Lexapro and Pregnancy - what's the deal? He said that I could not take it while pregnant and if I found out I was pregnant at some point, I would have to stop it immediately and that basically there was no safe anti-depressant medication I could take. So that kind of threw me for a loop. I decided to come off the Lexapro the RIGHT way...ween it out of my system...and again being PRO-ACTIVE just incase a pregnancy happened...Just incase. I started taking half a pill every day, then half every other day, then a quarter every day, every other day, every third day, then nothing....
Mind you, January was the same month the birth control would run out as well. Two MAJOR medications that affect hormones/chemicals leaving my body at the same time.
DUH!!!!!!!
It took a month or so for me to start feeling rotten. We got married on February 12 and I felt AMAZING at that time and I looked good and was pleased with myself and my life and my DRESS and just everything. I am so thankful that I was feeling good at that time - because if I had felt like THIS back then, I can't guarantee my memories of my wedding would be so incredible....
About 3 weeks newly married, I really started to feel kind of down and sluggish...I was doing the CORE plan by Weight Watchers and going to the gym here at work atleast 3 mornings a week... And I was gaining. So I'd tweak my eating by "changing it up" and still going to the gym to have treadmill sessions...Still gaining. By the end of March, I had gained over 10 lbs and I was BEYOND frustrated. I just kept trucking along and complaining to my friends (a million thank you's to my Tonic Twenties) who kept telling me that it would get better and my good eating and exercising behaviors would eventually catch up and I'd see a loss. But I kept gaining...And getting worse emotionally...And worse physically...and eventually stopped working out because of fatigue. I switched my eating to the WW Points System and even went back to meetings for a few weeks and CONTINUED to gain - so I stopped going and paying $11 a week for someone behind a scale to tell me I had gained again.
I KNOW THIS, BEOTCH! (see how mean I was getting in my head!!)
So, weeks pass and turn into a month or so and I get so bad that I'm crying every time I have to get dressed and crying at women winning concert tickets on the radio (that is not a joke. I did it.) and I'm 20 lbs heavier and miserable.
I decide to go to the Dr. who did blood tests, found the elevated prolactin level, ordered the MRI, results came back normal, and HERE I SIT.
A virtual rollercoaster of emotion, fat rolls, and tight pants.
Needless to say, I am back on the Lexapro TODAY. I'll burn the pregnancy bridge when I come to it.
And I am hopeful that I will return to my "normal" (what is that anymore?) self in a few weeks...
So, last night I was telling all of this to Toby and he says "So basically you are pleading temporary insanity?" and I said, "Basically yeah." :)
I'm still not convinced that I don't have a thyroid issue in there somewhere. Toby was trying to tell me that we eat out a lot (once a week, no more than anyone else, and 90% of the time I eat healthy) and that we are slugs (I'm not IMMOBILE! I may not have been working out at the gym for the past 2 months...but I was working out the first 2 months when I was gaining - and for 3 years previous to that!) and that we snack at night (you know what I'm snacking on? A rice cake with some Better n' PB or fruit or a fat free popcicle. Not exactly pigging out.)
I'm truly not trying to be combative or try to defend or hide any bad eating behavior. Sure, I cheat sometimes. I'll eat a pint of B&J's every 2 weeks or so for that ice cream fix. However, I am NOT going to believe that I contributed to a 20 lb gain - other than my decision to take myself off meds which in turn made my body freak out. After nearly 4 years of diet plans and gym sessions and 40 lbs lost, I will not blame myself. I can't. And I won't. The thyroid issue is not dead with me yet.... But in the meantime, I will continue with my food journals and I'll get back into the gym. My plan is to go at 10:50 am every day, get dressed and onto the treadmill by 11am, so I can watch ELLEN while I walk. I love her and her dancing makes me happy.
I have my yearly GIRL exam next month and at that time I will talk to my OB/GYN about all this...(so far, I have only been working with my PCP) This will be the first time I have ever looked forward to one of THOSE appointments! The Virginia Women's Center (where he is located) has also added a women's psychologist to the practice who deals with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, stress management, and the role of fitness on health and well-being. I think it's time I saw a therapist and I think that she will be a good place to start.
When I look back, I want to KICK myself for coming off 2 major emotion-affecting medications at the same time that I was newly married, moved into a new home to live with my new husband after living alone for a long time...now having to TRULY grow up and cook, clean, take care of a home, a mortgage, bills, etc. Probably the most DIFFICULT (but exciting) time in my life - and I was doing it with no help from the medication I have depended on for years.
So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I need to work through my embarassment and shame for my actions and my words the past few months. I know that hindsight is 20/20 and yadda yadda yadda. But, it's like an alien took over my body (mentally and physically.) I am TRULY thankful that I did not get a diagnosis of some serious illness...and I need to use this experience as a REMINDER of what happens when I am taken off meds. It's just a FACT OF MY LIFE - I need medication. Honestly, mental illness is embarassing but, it's just as important to take care of and treat anxiety/depression as it is to take care of diabetes or high blood pressure. I still feel like I want to crawl into a hole- but I'll get over it. :)
Infact, whenever I think I should go off my meds, someone hit me in the head with a baseball bat. Or direct me to this post where I can read:
NOTE TO SELF: You do not want to come back here. Take your pill and RUN! Run Stephanie Run!! (maybe I'll burn a few calories too!)
Thanks to ALL OF YOU for your support and friendship.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Sunday Morning
I haven't updated the blog in a long time... I just haven't felt up to it. It's everything I can do to just get through the days lately. I'm so bummed and and just flat-out sad and depressed. I'm irritated constantly. Poor Toby. How is he dealing with me??
I hope to get results from the MRI tomorrow or Tuesday. I am praying hard that they found something that can be treated so I can get back to being myself again. I'm miserable in my own skin and in my own head.
I didn't go to church this morning. I actually got up turned off my alarm clock and got back in the bed. I feel bad/guilty about doing that...but I just couldn't make myself go - I'm so emotional all the time and honestly, I did not feel like trying to get dressed for church, since getting dressed is always a horrible production. I did come in here and watch an entire Joel Osteen (Lakewood Church) service on the computer - and it was AWESOME, as always. It was about trusting God even when things aren't going your way.
Boy, that is TIMELY.
I hope to get results from the MRI tomorrow or Tuesday. I am praying hard that they found something that can be treated so I can get back to being myself again. I'm miserable in my own skin and in my own head.
I didn't go to church this morning. I actually got up turned off my alarm clock and got back in the bed. I feel bad/guilty about doing that...but I just couldn't make myself go - I'm so emotional all the time and honestly, I did not feel like trying to get dressed for church, since getting dressed is always a horrible production. I did come in here and watch an entire Joel Osteen (Lakewood Church) service on the computer - and it was AWESOME, as always. It was about trusting God even when things aren't going your way.
Boy, that is TIMELY.
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