Defendant, how do you plead?

Not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.

Anyway, I got my MRI results and they came back fine. Nothing abnormal was found. When the nurse told me that, I instantly welled up with tears, got pissed off, called my Mom, bitched, and then worked myself back down again... I mean, THANK GOD nothing serious is wrong with me! Really!

I did a lot of thinking and a lot of talking last night. I went to my parent's house and lounged in the hot tub with my aunt Sunah and my great friend Morgen. Though conversations and through my own thinking, I've worked something out. I think it took a diagnosis of "there is nothing physically wrong with you" to make me look at it all from a different angle. And a lightbulb went off. I feel a little at peace.

So here's my story:

In 1999, I was in North Carolina, getting ready to graduate in a few months...and I started to feel very ill physically. I was so run down, and tired, and my limbs would go numb a lot, and I was upset a lot, and cried a lot, and made mountains out of molehills, and had stomach problems (sound familiar yet?) So I was ordered to come home to VA for a week and have extensive testing done. THey thought I had diabetes, they thought I had this, they though I had that...and the final diagnosis? Severe anxiety and depression.

So I was put on meds and sent back to school - and I got my life back.

That summer I moved to Richmond and Denny came with me and we lived on Allison Street in the Fan and that was SUCH a great time in my life - and major growing phase for me. I continued to take my meds like a good girl; however I was switched a few times in there due to some side effects. By this point, I had been on Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin... A year or so into living on Allison Street, I was feeling SO great and I was SO poor, I decided that I did not need the pills anymore so I stopped taking them. I was great for awhile...but I slowly started to get a little nutso. And I can look back now and tell you all this - I was not aware of it when I was going through it. I started experiencing the same mood swings and attitude problems, but also physically I was exhausted again and just BLAH. It got to the point where I was so miserable (and I started to realize I was making those around me miserable) that I went back to the Dr. and he immediately put me on Paxil - a medication that is meant for anxiety - which is great because I am pretty sure my depression is CAUSED by my anxiety. I felt like a million bucks.

But the side effects were bad. So after a year on Paxil, I was put on Lexapro - the wonder drug! This medication is wonderful with hardly any side effects. I felt like a normal human again who could live life and enjoy it and not analyze it and just BE ME. Be the person that other people loved.

So fast forward to November 2004 - I'm getting married in February and Toby and I have talked about wanting children and I knew that would be a possiblity sooner than later, so I decided that November would be the last time I would get the Depo Provera Birth Control shot - which lasts 3 months. I've also read that for the BC to get completely out of your system could take a year or more! So I was being proactive and just went ahead and got off of it.

January 2004 - I visited my PCP for some reason or another (can't remember!) and we talked about the Lexapro and I asked him about the connection between Lexapro and Pregnancy - what's the deal? He said that I could not take it while pregnant and if I found out I was pregnant at some point, I would have to stop it immediately and that basically there was no safe anti-depressant medication I could take. So that kind of threw me for a loop. I decided to come off the Lexapro the RIGHT way...ween it out of my system...and again being PRO-ACTIVE just incase a pregnancy happened...Just incase. I started taking half a pill every day, then half every other day, then a quarter every day, every other day, every third day, then nothing....

Mind you, January was the same month the birth control would run out as well. Two MAJOR medications that affect hormones/chemicals leaving my body at the same time.

DUH!!!!!!!

It took a month or so for me to start feeling rotten. We got married on February 12 and I felt AMAZING at that time and I looked good and was pleased with myself and my life and my DRESS and just everything. I am so thankful that I was feeling good at that time - because if I had felt like THIS back then, I can't guarantee my memories of my wedding would be so incredible....

About 3 weeks newly married, I really started to feel kind of down and sluggish...I was doing the CORE plan by Weight Watchers and going to the gym here at work atleast 3 mornings a week... And I was gaining. So I'd tweak my eating by "changing it up" and still going to the gym to have treadmill sessions...Still gaining. By the end of March, I had gained over 10 lbs and I was BEYOND frustrated. I just kept trucking along and complaining to my friends (a million thank you's to my Tonic Twenties) who kept telling me that it would get better and my good eating and exercising behaviors would eventually catch up and I'd see a loss. But I kept gaining...And getting worse emotionally...And worse physically...and eventually stopped working out because of fatigue. I switched my eating to the WW Points System and even went back to meetings for a few weeks and CONTINUED to gain - so I stopped going and paying $11 a week for someone behind a scale to tell me I had gained again.

I KNOW THIS, BEOTCH! (see how mean I was getting in my head!!)

So, weeks pass and turn into a month or so and I get so bad that I'm crying every time I have to get dressed and crying at women winning concert tickets on the radio (that is not a joke. I did it.) and I'm 20 lbs heavier and miserable.

I decide to go to the Dr. who did blood tests, found the elevated prolactin level, ordered the MRI, results came back normal, and HERE I SIT.

A virtual rollercoaster of emotion, fat rolls, and tight pants.

Needless to say, I am back on the Lexapro TODAY. I'll burn the pregnancy bridge when I come to it.

And I am hopeful that I will return to my "normal" (what is that anymore?) self in a few weeks...

So, last night I was telling all of this to Toby and he says "So basically you are pleading temporary insanity?" and I said, "Basically yeah." :)

I'm still not convinced that I don't have a thyroid issue in there somewhere. Toby was trying to tell me that we eat out a lot (once a week, no more than anyone else, and 90% of the time I eat healthy) and that we are slugs (I'm not IMMOBILE! I may not have been working out at the gym for the past 2 months...but I was working out the first 2 months when I was gaining - and for 3 years previous to that!) and that we snack at night (you know what I'm snacking on? A rice cake with some Better n' PB or fruit or a fat free popcicle. Not exactly pigging out.)

I'm truly not trying to be combative or try to defend or hide any bad eating behavior. Sure, I cheat sometimes. I'll eat a pint of B&J's every 2 weeks or so for that ice cream fix. However, I am NOT going to believe that I contributed to a 20 lb gain - other than my decision to take myself off meds which in turn made my body freak out. After nearly 4 years of diet plans and gym sessions and 40 lbs lost, I will not blame myself. I can't. And I won't. The thyroid issue is not dead with me yet.... But in the meantime, I will continue with my food journals and I'll get back into the gym. My plan is to go at 10:50 am every day, get dressed and onto the treadmill by 11am, so I can watch ELLEN while I walk. I love her and her dancing makes me happy.

I have my yearly GIRL exam next month and at that time I will talk to my OB/GYN about all this...(so far, I have only been working with my PCP) This will be the first time I have ever looked forward to one of THOSE appointments! The Virginia Women's Center (where he is located) has also added a women's psychologist to the practice who deals with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, stress management, and the role of fitness on health and well-being. I think it's time I saw a therapist and I think that she will be a good place to start.

When I look back, I want to KICK myself for coming off 2 major emotion-affecting medications at the same time that I was newly married, moved into a new home to live with my new husband after living alone for a long time...now having to TRULY grow up and cook, clean, take care of a home, a mortgage, bills, etc. Probably the most DIFFICULT (but exciting) time in my life - and I was doing it with no help from the medication I have depended on for years.

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I need to work through my embarassment and shame for my actions and my words the past few months. I know that hindsight is 20/20 and yadda yadda yadda. But, it's like an alien took over my body (mentally and physically.) I am TRULY thankful that I did not get a diagnosis of some serious illness...and I need to use this experience as a REMINDER of what happens when I am taken off meds. It's just a FACT OF MY LIFE - I need medication. Honestly, mental illness is embarassing but, it's just as important to take care of and treat anxiety/depression as it is to take care of diabetes or high blood pressure. I still feel like I want to crawl into a hole- but I'll get over it. :)

Infact, whenever I think I should go off my meds, someone hit me in the head with a baseball bat. Or direct me to this post where I can read:

NOTE TO SELF: You do not want to come back here. Take your pill and RUN! Run Stephanie Run!! (maybe I'll burn a few calories too!)

Thanks to ALL OF YOU for your support and friendship.