Reflections

This may be a long one... Been doing a lot of thinking. (Uh oh! Look out!)

I feel like a stranger in my own body. I'm constantly hurting, feeling funny, getting fatter, being exhausted, aching, feeling crazy, not sleeping, getting upset and stressed, etc etc etc.

It's so hard!!!

You know what else is hard? Being married.

You know what is harder? Getting married and LIVING TOGETHER for the first time.

You know what is the hardEST??

All of these things mixed together at once.
I wouldn't recommend it.

But here I am . Doing it. Barely. But I'm doing it. And I have faith that I (we) will make it through all this and be better people (and a better couple) for it....but it's HARD. I ain't gone lie.

Been trying to decipher my health problems too... There are so many factors that it COULD be making me feel this crazy way....going off birth control, going off anti-depressant, getting back on the anti-depressant, wrong dosage of anti-depressant, restless leg causing exhaustion thus causing depression thus causing exhaustion and weight gain. WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WHAT THE HECK IS IT?? For an obsessive compulsive planner like myself, this is not my chosen way of living - in limbo. I want some answers! And thing seem to be getting worse....

Lately, my Restless Leg is OUT OF CONTROL. http://www.restlessleg.net/#1

I can't fall to sleep because of my legs. It takes me FOREVER. When I can't fall asleep, I think about things. We all know about that time right before you fall asleep when you mind goes a little nuts with EVERYTHING you could possibly worry about going through your mind...well, you get the picture. So, I am anxious and have to keep moving and flexing my legs so they don't EXPLODE. I eventually start feeling guily that I am keeping Toby up so I move to the futon in the other room. I supposed I eventually pass out from exhaustion because I wake up the next day and wonder "when did I fall asleep?" but I know it was LATE because the last time I looked at the clock it was LATE. And even when I am sleeping, my body really isn't because of the RLS, so it's like I never even slept. It's getting increasingly bad lately with atleast 4 nights a week spent on the futon. So lately I'm starting to think maybe THIS is the ROOT of all of the health problems... Like the beginning of a cruel chain reaction of health disorders!!??

Regardless, my Dr. made an appointment for me for an endocrinologist at St. Mary's Hospital for August 12. That is the absolute earliest that they had. Nice.

I am waiting for my medical records from my PCP. Once I get those, I am going to try to find a new PCP that specializes in Internal Medicine. I have a couple recommendations from friends I would like to check out. This is for a 2nd opinion regarding my anti-depressants and Restless Leg Syndrome. I am still going to go to the Endo to have further Thyroid testing; but I am not expecting that to pan out.

I'm starting to think it's not thyroid.

I have an OB/GYN appt in a couple weeks and I will also be chatting with him about some of this stuff...and asking for a referral to see the new woman counselor at his practice.

And then I'm going to the Credit Union to take out a personal loan to cover all of my co-pays.

Don't even get me STARTED on money.