You know you are sexy when....

...the waistband of your cotton underwear unravels itself in the washer/dryer and wraps itself around 2 pair of your flannel pants, tying them together, and creating a bond so tight that you can lift it all up by the thread and swing it around in the air above your head like you are about to lasso a pig. Or a 2 year old.

I'm so sick of myself right now.

I am back at Weight Watcher meetings as of a month ago. I have lost 6.2 lbs so far..which is HUGE for me since I am a professional maintainer. Whatever weight I am at - even if it sucks - is where I can stay for years and years - even when I think I am dieting. Weight Watchers give me the accountability and helps me to really think about what I am eating and cut back on the amount. I really do not eat a lot of junk (because I don't keep it in the house!) My issue is portion size.

Well, I guess I could give a rip about a stranger weighing my fat ass this coming Tuesday because I am like a bottomless pit this week. It's so freaking frustrating to me. WHY?????

What is so damn hard about not eating when you are not hungry. I mean, that's elementary, people! Yesterday was the first day in a month where I really felt like total A-S-S from eating too much. And would you like to know how I dealt with those feelings?

I ate over half a box of All Bran Crackers at midnight.

Now I feel like Super A-S-S.

What is holding me back from being successful at weight loss? I don't even want to be skinny. Truly! I just want to be comfortable and not zero in on my gut as soon as my eyeballs hit the mirror. I DO want it. But I guess not bad enough?

But I DO!!

I have said this a bazillion times. If I had a nickel for every time I have been in "this place" I would never had to work again for as long as I live. Either that, or I could afford liposuction of the entire body.

Seriously: Lifestyle Change.

It has to happen. I feel like I have already conquered quite a few demons - so maybe I should focus on those for a moment and relish in the positivity and accomplishments.

1. I do not keep junk food in the house and have not for years. Luckily, Toby is not a snacker so that has helped me. He'll have to get a dorito fix about once a year... Yes, I married an alien.

2. I have pretty much been able to cut out the "extras" like cheese and mayo. I have not eaten cheese on salads in years. And this is the girl who used to eat bowls of cheese, bacon bits, and french dressing. (Actually, my brother invented that "salad" but I remember partaking of a few in my time...)

3. I can't remember the last time I had sweet tea or a real soda.

This one is a biggie:

4. I do not PLAN food "events" anymore. When I lived alone (and was lonely), I used to PLAN my nights of eating. I'd think about it all day. I'd obsess over what I was going to eat along with what I would watch on TV - either a show or a movie. I would stress over what food to get because I didn't want to choose the wrong thing. Like I was never going to eat again - yeah right! My most common binge meal was Taco Bell and Ben and Jerry's. I knew I was going to make myself sick, but it didn't matter. It was good for a few minutes.

I watch enough "Intervention" to know that I am a total addict - just like an alcoholic or a heroin addict. I do think that through hard work over the years, I have changed 85% of that behavior...but yesterday really took me back to that time and I don't want to be "there."

And it's not even because I'm hungry or I want food - Lord knows the food I do have here in the house is not binge-worthy. Three words: All Bran Crackers?!? I mean, come on.

I think it's because I want something to do. Boredom is my worst enemy. I need to learn to knit.

I know what it takes for a lifestyle change. I want to do it! But I DON'T and that is the issue. What in the hell is holding me back. Like Dr. Phil says, "You're getting something out of it if you keep doing it." What am I getting?

Tighter pants.
Too much thinking about tight pants.
A bigger spare tire that I despise.
No energy.
Flab.
Depression and bad moods centered around my fat ass.
Bins and bins of clothes that don't fit taking up all of my storage space.

It doesn't make sense?!?

I need to follow another one of Dr. Phil's mottos and just "fake it till I make it." Another issue with me is if I don't see results immediately, I get discouraged. It's to the point where I work out (aka walk around the neighborhood) for 2 days and I think those too-tight pants should fit now. But they don't. So I stop walking.

For a smart girl, I am an IDIOT when it comes to this mess. It confuses me that I have accomplished so much in my life...yet I continue to find myself in this same situation.

More ponderings later... I'm tired.