This is a hard one.

I have thought about this alot and I am going to take a hiatus from "Stephanie's Addiction." This may come as a shock to many of you as I have not been able to contact everyone. So, if you are a real friend of mine and I have not e-mailed or called you, PLEASE accept my apologies. I've been a bit Crazy - with a capital C.

Toby and I have decided to separate to work on our marriage how it SHOULD be worked on. I am obviously not going to go into details here on this public blog, so if you are a friend of mine, please feel free to e-mail or call me and I will be glad to talk to you. I could use the support!

I am fine. I truly am. This is a GOOD thing - even if it is hard as hell. I am sad and heartbroken, yet at the same time excited and hopeful that this is happening.

Toby and I are partners in this process. We are communicating better than before and are going to work our asses off to make this work as best as we can for Stella. We are going to still be doing things as a family with her. There are no ill feelings between us about this. It's just time to turn this ship around and head in a new direction.

This blog began with our wedding and I do not feel right continuing while things are a bit out of whack. I am hopeful that I will be back here in time. Telling poop stories and posting pictures. But I refuse to say when that will be. One day at a time.

Please friend me on Facebook if you want to keep up with Stella pictures and my boring day-to-day status updates. Like the one yesterday where I talked about how the grilled bread on my sandwich at Nordstrom's Cafe cut the inside of my mouth all up. You know you wanna know!!

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers.

Love, Stephanie

How does your garden grow?

Well, it's definitely not MY garden or it would be a pile of dead, brown plant carcasses. This is all Toby's work. And it's amazing!!

He picked the first zucchini the other night and I made a big batch of zucchini bread. I added berries and raisins in order to try and sneak a few more nutritious things into Stella's diet - since she only eats pancakes and mac n cheese.



Tonight, Stella and Toby picked green beans and snapped them together. We were hoping that if Stella was involved in the growing and preparing of the veggies, there would be a chance she might eat them.

Nope.

But we sure did! It was delicious! Tilapia on the grill, fingerling potatoes, green beans, and zucchini bread.



And in the top lefthand corner, you will notice my new obsession: my tervis tumbler!!



I discovered Tervis Tumblers last month while shopping for a gift at Bed Bath and Beyond. I have been on a search for a great water cup/bottle/jug/whatever that fits in a cup holder, has a straw, does not sweat, and is easy to transport. Apparently, that is a tall order to fill! But I finally found what I have been looking for - and I am in love!

I bought a clear one with a top and straws from BB&B. I noticed the brand on the cup so I looked it up online and found their website. Low and behold, you can personalize them with pictures, your initials, etc... Now I'm really in love!

I got a 16 oz one with a pink breast cancer ribbon with a travel top for tea and coffee. (Yes, they are good for hot and cold beverages and DAMN I should work for them. I already looked - they are based out of Florida and I'm not moving there. My hair does NOTHING in that humidity.)

I got this 24 oz one with the cute girl pirate skull for my water/seltzer/iced tea beverages. No soda will ever fill these jewels. My love for the Tervis Tumbler is really helping me to get my daily water in and I highly recommend them.

Garden? Vegetables? Daily water intake? I am WELL on my way to healthy lifestyle.

Now what can I buy or plant that will exercise FOR me? Hmmmm.....

It was bound to happen at some point...

Poop. In the unna-wears. In a hot parking lot. With no plastic bags with which to contain the teeny tiny tinkerbell panties full of POOP.

And why can't I have a decent blog entry that does not have me cleaning up POOP?!?!

Stella started Summer Camp this week at the pre-school she will be attending the fall. Can I just say I LOVE SUMMER CAMP. And she loves it too. Which is most important...but I sure do love my 3 hours of alone time every morning.

The first day, Mom went with me and we dropped off the girl and of course I had a short crying moment but it wasn't too bad. Mom treated me to an iced coffee at Starbucks and then we ran a couple errands at Michael's and Trader Joe's.

Here she is before we left the house:


And when we drop them off, we really DROP THEM OFF. The teacher gets them out of the car and puts them back in later! It's a pretty sweet assembly line!


The second day, I went by myself and had another small crying moment. (Unsolicited advice: NEVER look in the rearview after you drop your kid off because you will see their cute little self carrying their polka dotted monogrammed lunchbag up the long sidewalk into the building; with her little ponytail bouncing and her teeny little tennis shoes and.... you get my point.) After that drop-off, I came straight home and cleaned the house really, really good. I mean scrubbed-the-shower-and-mopped-the-kitchen-floor good.

The third day? I was all up in Barnes and Nobles for 3 hours with a new book and a soy latte!!!! Now, that's more like it!

The third day felt so good I did it again on the fourth day (today)! But today I got my latte through the drive-thru and went to the Dumbarton library. Uh, I think I'll go back to B&N next time. The people there are less...strange.

Next week, I will use the time to get back in the gym. I have taken a hiatus this week for some reason... just not into it. I think I needed a mental and physical break (see previous post) but I'm ready to get back and get moving. The book I have been reading the past 2 days is "The Complete Beck Diet for Life" and I swear this lady wrote this book for me. I'll go into more detail at another time and after I have more time to actually practice the techniques. But it sure is making sense.

ANYWAY, back to the poop!! I know you are dying to hear!

I picked Stella up from camp today and we drove immediately to Feathernester's for lunch. (Which reminds me - didn't I have an incident in the Feathernester's parking lot last week? Overhearing a conversation involving a Machete?)

I go to get Stella out of her carseat and a putrid smell wafts up my nose and NO WAY is that MY child. I mean, she has NEVER had a poop incident in her "unna-wears!" There must be dog poop on my shoe or something - so I check my shoes - and they are clean... But she's so particular these days about having to be changed IMMEDIATELY if she pees even a squirt in her pants... no way would she be sitting on a giant turd and not tell me or her teachers?!?!

Wrong.

I stand her up in the parking lot and take a peak down the back of her pants. (Mothers, can you feel me?) And I see the giant ball of poop. Just so happens I was also on the phone with one of my old bosses who is in town and wanted to have dinner. I told him I was "so upset but I can't meet because I am going to see the Indigo Girls tonight at Lewis Ginter and AHHHHHHHH! Uh Wayne, I've gotta go. Stella's had an accident."

Little did he know.

Did you know that it's really damn hard to pull down shorts AND teeny tiny underwear full of poop and get them off of your child while she is wearing tennis shoes?

I manage to get them both off with just one little smear of poop on the back of her calf. So, 90% success, I'd say. Luckily, I carry TWO sets of clothes in the car so we were covered there. I wipe her up real good and get her new underwear and shorts on.

Now...what to do with the pile of poop in the underwear? Surely there are trashcans in front of the stores along this strip on the way to Feathernesters.

Well, surely NOT.

I start to panic a bit wondering where in the world am I going to put this load? NOT back in my car. I was about to toss it in the middle of Lakeside Avenue (not really - but the thought did cross my mind) when I saw a lone trashcan amoungst all of the GORGEOUS plants and statues and decorations on Feathernester's porch area.

I put the "package" in the can but it was rather full so it was on top. I couldn't push it down in there under stuff because it had one of those swinging lids and...well, the logistics weren't good. I'll just put it that way. So I left the load on top and walked into the shop, feeling SOOOOO sorry for the poor gay man who was going to take that top off the can to change the bag and see the worst Tinkerbell scene imaginable! Can you hear his screams now? I can.

We walked into Feathernester's and our party was already at the table. It was the same group from last week with the addition of some family friends. I sat down and tried to read the menu but the guilt was palpable. I couldn't even concentrate. How could I do that to my favorite little shop? My Birdcage shop owners (AKA 2 fabulous gay men?) I was just envisioning them walking out at the end of the day to clean up the patio and turn the "Open" sign to "Closed" and being knocked out by the poop stench that had been cooking in the hot trash can for hours.

I got up and went to the counter and asked one of the owners if I could have a little plastic bag because of a "diaper incident."

I didn't go into details.

So the "suprise" is still in the can, but atleast it's wrapped in plastic now. And I thoroughly enjoyed my lunch.

And I must go now because Stella just got up from her nap. She still wears a pull-up for naptime and bedtime and THANK GOD because I kid you not - she just yelled from her room:

"Mama, I got poops!"

Thoughts for Today

I have been thinking today about my weight loss journey and my lack of success for the past 4 years. I know it's ME and my constant search (whether it's unconscious or not) for a way to cheat the system and either not exercise or sneak food or round down the points or "forget" the 500 calorie snack I had or ALL OF THE ABOVE. I think I am constantly in search of the perfect plan. And I find a plan that I am sure is THE plan and I plan my meals and my exercise and when I don't follow through on my plan I beat myself up and go hog wild for a bit until I feel like total arse mentally and physically so then I start to plan again and....vicious cycle. I can't tell you how many binders, and spreadsheets, and journals, and notebooks, and BLAH. It's ridiculous.

There is TOO much info out there about food, diet, supplements, exercise, etc. I'm always thinking what I am doing is not "right" and that there has to be another combination that is THE answer. So I might as well not work too hard on THIS plan since there has to be a better one out there.

But what about LIVING. What about just LIVING LIFE? What about just making sure you move every day and that you eat as natural as possible? What about not thinking about this 24/7? What about not weighing yourself all the time and just going by the pants-o-meter? What about going by HOW YOU FEEL only?

It sounds so foreign - yet so refreshing.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

We really do have the best neighborhood.

But even the best neighborhood has it's quirks. Some days around here are just pure soap opera. Or Cops. It depends... I really wasn't aware of all of the stuff going on while I was working but now that I am unemployed, I'm all up in it!

On the right side, we have my parents. And while they call themselves "Frank and Marie" from "Everybody Loves Raymond", they are far from it. We love having them next door and I really love it that now I can let Stella out the front door and watch her run across the yards to her grandparents' house. It's really cool.

Across from us are Mr. and Mrs. Lowery. Stella LOVES them and has adopted them as another set of grandparents - and I think they have adopted her as well. Until recently, she could not say "Mrs. Lowery" and it came out "Busy Body" which is HYSTERICAL for reasons I will explain later... Lately, it has become more like "Mrs. Lowery" which kind of makes me sad. The really funny part is that she is so polite and uses the proper name for Mrs. Lowery, but for her husband, she simply calls him "Bob" and has since she was teeny. One day, we were pulling her in the wagon and she just yelled "Hi, Bob!" And he was so tickled by it, it just stuck. She loves Mrs. Lowery and Bob. They have a little dog named Baby that Stella also loves to play with (AKA terrorize.)

Two doors down from The Lowerys are Floyd and Linda. Linda and Mrs. Lowery walk Baby around the neighborhood twice a day, promptly at 9am and 3pm. They are like clockwork. This is when they get the neighborhood happenings. Bob spends a lot of time in a lawn chair in the drive way reading books or the newspaper - but I think it's just a front. He's really checking out the neighborhood haps as well. A lot of days, Toby joins him. ;)

On their right is Mrs. Brittle. On her right, is Joy. She is a master gardner and is a librarian. She wears a big floppy hat while doing yardwork which has earned her the nickname from Toby, "Floppy Hat." He is incredibly creative.

Then there is Warren. He lives a few blocks down and he is a bachelor, probably in his 60's. Everything he owns is in amazing condition. He rode his motorcycle up one day and I said "Got you a new bike?" and he said "Lord, I've had this since the 70's." He spends his days riding his bike for hours and hours (not his motorcycle - a bike - so he is in great shape) and visiting friends.

And at the end of our street is Jane. She is also a master gardner and it shows. She has taught Toby a few things about our yard and our gardens that are thriving now.

Around the corner are Chad and Chris. They are a really cool gay couple who just built an amazing house. It's mostly green - everything recycled and refurbished. The siding on the house used to be an old barn in Wisconsin. The doors are from some fancy place. Lots of antiques mixed with modern decor. Toby has been helping them put up a new fence and he has gotten to be good buddies with Chad especially.

Every.Single.Night, from about 5pm - 8pm, all of the above characters get together in the Lowery's driveway. It's a huge circle of lawn chairs. Toby takes Stella over there nearly every night and I go over sometimes...I laugh because I wonder "What the hell do they have to talk about?!?" But I guess it's plenty!

We have quite a few "interesting" characters here too...but I'll just tell you about one right now. Since it's fresh in my mind.

The house next to the Lowery's is owned by a single lady. She works at some community organization and has a big heart - sometimes too big. She has had lots of roommates over the years - people she runs across at work who need places to live. This is nice, HOWEVER, these people are strange.

Right now, her roommate is Jodi. Jodi is a little asian lady with a big dalmation dog. She "walks" her dog by holding her leash out the driver's side window of her car while she rides up and down the street. She also walks around and collects sticks to burn in their stove. Not sure what kind of set up they have over there...and I think I'll continue to leave it up to my imagination.

Recently, Jodi has started having a friend over. I'm sorry, but this dude is sketchy.

Every day he rides in on his bike with a different tool. One day, he was carrying a weed eater as he pedaled. The next day it was a skill saw. It makes you wonder where the heck he is getting these tools and why does he need to ride around with them?

Yesterday, Stella and I had lunch with Mom, my grandma, my aunts, and a cousin at a little boutique shop called Feathernesters, which is a few blocks away from the house. We parked in the lot and were walking to the store. We walked past a shop called "Tool Guys" which sells used/refurbished tools.

Jodi's friend was standing outside the shop when the owner walked out and I overheard him ask

"Hey, are you guys going to put a price on that marchetti in the back?"

Marchetti.

I can't wait to tell Mrs. Lowery!

Memorial Day = Saved

Memorial Day ended up being pretty good - much to our surprise. Our friends Heath and Julie decided to come over anyway and we fixed an AWESOME meal.

Stella just layed in our bed and watched her shows. She really was like a wet noodle - no energy at all. Heath went in to talk to her at one point and was asking her lots of questions - Are you feeling bad? Does your tummy hurt? Do you want anything to eat? She wasn't answering. Then he asked "Do you want me to leave you alone?" to which she promptly answered, "Yes."

Alrighty then!

Here are the italian sausages with peppers, onions, and cheese. They were so good they deserved to be documented!



Heath getting ready to feast. He was VERY happy.



Toby was happy too.



The happy to-be-married-in-October couple.



My view of Stella from the table... So pitiful!



On Tuesday morning, we took a trip to the pediatrician. Always a joy. She took one look at her throat and said "Whoa! Definitely strep." Although the quick test came back negative, she was sure the culture would come back in a couple days as strep so she gave us a prescription for an antibiotic - NOT the one from last time just incase anyone needs a refresher.

She took it for 2 days and then we stopped because the culture came back negative as well. Interesting. She seems to be good as new now so who knows what it was... Her father has a man cold right now so maybe it was something alone those lines...cold/allergies.

Stella is a champ when she is sick though. She just lays around and rests. She doesn't go "UUUUGGGGHHHHHH" every 3 seconds like someone else who lives in this house who is not me. Anyway! ;)

The battery on this laptop is about to die and I have a pile of laundry calling my name so more to come - TOMORROW.

Do you hear me? TOMORROW.

Happy Memorial Day!

And we're missing the festivities.

This time, Stella is sick.

To experience a mean case of de ja vu, please see here.

And here.

And HERE.

Life Lesson # 23746

When you go to a formal event (ie: wedding) where you have to wear a dress that is tight-ish and you must wear an arsenal of undergarmets (ie: a modern-day girdle from boobs to knees), be sure to bring a purse that is big enough to put the stupid thing in when you get SICK AND TIRED of wrestling with yourself in a small bathroom stall that you have to visit every 3 minutes because you are drinking beer and you broke the seal way too early in the evening.

Because by the time you drink enough beer, you don't give a hoot if your stomach is hanging out or not. And neither does anyone else.

Loving Life...

Current scene: Me. And laptop. On my deck. Sitting at my newly lysol wiped glass table. The lovely scent of dryer sheets wafting up my nose (since I am about 1.5 feet from the dryer vent.) Watching Stella play in her fuc- I mean, froggy sandbox.


As Stella would say "It's a beautiful sunny day, Mama!" But it's actually pretty chilly... If I was smart, I would get in a neighborhood walk while there's a nice chill in the air...but alas, I don't feel smart today. Maybe tomorrow.


So, a lot of time has passed and no entries from me. It's not for lack of happenings - just lack of desire to record those happenings. I really need to be better about documenting Stella-isms because they come and go so quickly. Stuff I say I'll never forget - I already have. But the other stuff? I really doubt that you guys care to hear about my endless search for tennis shoes that don't give me shin splints or my inability to spend less than $50 at Target every-time-I-go-no-matter-how-hard-I-try.


I think that should be an olympic sport...or a new reality show.


Are YOU up for the Ultimate Challenge of spending less than $50 at Target when all you go in for are lightbulbs and deoderant?!?!


I think it would be an instant hit.


Anywho... life is good! It really is. I'm really trying to enjoy this time and savor it. Don't get me wrong - it's not a walk in the park all the time. Some days, Stella and I are at each other's throats! Which kind of makes me laugh because, I mean, she's TWO. But shoot, I'm not laughing AT ALL when it's "one of those days."


Oh my Lord. My child just walked up to me and she looks like the lady in the Rice Krispy Treats commercial who throws flour all over herself to make it look like she worked really hard in the kitchen...what kind of sand is this anyway? She looks like a ghost!!! Great!


What was I saying about "one of those days??"


No, it's wonderful. I love being at home with her. I love running errands with her. I love how she says HI to every single person we pass in the store and when they don't say hi she says "They no say hi to me, Mama!" and I say "That's ok, babe. They are just old and rude." It's fun! ;) She's truly my best friend.


She's doing other funny stuff that I want to remember...


She is still singing everything (Broadway bound!) And she makes up songs for every day situations like "the underwear song" which goes "Underwear Underwear bom bom bom." (Future grammy winning songwriter too!) And she talks on her little cell phone to Mimi and to Uncle Matt and has "real" conversations with them, pausing to listen to their side and nods in agreement and says "mmm hmm" at the important parts. Such an imagination - destined for greatness, I am sure of it!


She's very sweet and thoughtful when she wants to be. She picks flowers for me and Neh-Neh and Dada and Mrs. Lowery (our neighbor.) When she's eating a snack (ex: goldfish) she'll put a few aside and tell me "These are for Bapaw" and she'll point her finger at me and say "No eat them!" She knows me too well, I guess...


She LOVES her Dada. When he is play chasing her she screams and giggles and sings "No get me!"


She LOVES to be outside - she would LIVE outside 24/7 if we would let her. I really think she would be totally content if we got her a big pile of rocks for her birthday. Pretty soon we won't have any rocks left in the driveway.


She is SO smart and talkative. When I was pregnant, my Dad used to get a kick of out that car commercial where the Dad is strapping his little girl in her carseat in the back and she's talking talking talking and she won't pause long enough for him to shut the door to run around to his side so he finally just shuts the door while she's talking and runs around and opens his door and climbs in and she's still just steadily talking.... Dad used to say "I wonder if Stella will be like that?" I can answer that question now with a resounding: YES.


And even through all the talking, she can not say "S."


stars = tars
I ask her every night if she wants the bird mobile or the stars on the ceiling and she always says "Just tars."


She's not Stella; she's Tella. Or Tessa. (We call her Stessa....)


And my personal (not so) favorite is "Top that, Mama!" which she says 32498756320 times a day.


She still talks like a caveman with "me" instead of "I."


"Me do it myself!"

"Me want some dooce!" (that's juice)

"Me go night night." That's my FAVORITE!! ;) Those words are music to my ears!


To sum it up, she's my precious, joyful, genius, beautiful, talented, pint-sized buddy.


Here are some pictures:

With her angel art by Carol Bock.

One of the aforementioned Target trips where I am SURE those sunglasses were not on my list.

Proof of "one of those days." Hurricane Stella in full effect.

She looks like such a teenager here to me! (I hope she's not sucking her fingers into her teens though...)

Uncle Donnie, May 14, 2009

Darling Stella O,

I've just returned from Korea for the second time - I'm working with Korean costume makers on the United States production of Dream Girls this time. On my last night, Miss Cho - who is in charge of the costume shop - took me and the other US team members along with her staff out for a traditional korean dinner. I found this little dresser mirror at a street vendor's stand and thought you should have it - after all, a lady always takes care to look her best!!! The mirror's back is hand embroidered by someone, no doubt, very close to your age!! Looking forward to seeing you in July at the Duhnam-Wheatley wedding.

All love,

Uncle Donnie