(from my journal on DWLZ...)
Physically, I feel horrible. Awful. HUGE. Bigger than I have felt in my entire life (even though I am 25 lbs lighter than my known highest...)
I just feel that no matter what I do, the scale does not budge. And if it DOES budge, it goes a pound up. I have been trying SOMETHING for the past 2 months (except for the break for the wedding, it's actually been over a YEAR) - either Flex and exercise, Core and exercise, Flex and no exercise, Core and no exercise, either plan and little exercize - and no results.
Thus, I'm getting obsessed. I feel like I have been "weight obsessed" for years now... I am SICK OF IT. How fat my a$$ feels is dominating my every thought - and that is not right!! Infact, I think it is that very mentality that is making my body stagnate.
I do believe in the power of the mind - and my mind is holding me back. I don't believe I'll ever lose weight. I don't believe I'll ever reach ANY goals. I've convinced myself it's my medications, etc...
Excuse my french, but BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really need to work on my head. I'm still going to do Weight Watchers absolutely, but I can't be obsessed. I can't let it take over my life like I have been doing. I can't feel guilty if I skip the gym one day. I can't feel guilty if I eat a little more chicken that Toby fixed for us on the grill (because it's SO YUM!) I can't feel guilty if I have 2 beers.
I'm going today to buy atleast 5 new pair of pants in a SIZE THAT FITS so I can enjoy my body (feel comfortable) NOW and DURING the journey. I need to accept myself NOW before I can change myself. I swear that is the bottom line. Having a "clothes crisis" every single day is not helping my mental status.
Sorry I'm on a huge soapbox right now - I've just been thinking a lot about this and I think that before I can have success with weight loss, I have to change my MINDSET to a positive and expectant one. EXPECT good things. BELIEVE I'll reach my goals...Because otherwise, I am just spinning my wheels - and I want to ENJOY my life right now. Not be upset 24/7 because my pants are tight.
Speaking of living life with EXPECTANCY - I am listening to the audiobook "Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen http://www.joelosteen.com and I am really feeling some changes/sparks within me. (Thus the new epiphany regarding my weight issues...) It has really been turning on some lightbulbs in my head...
And as a side note, I did not get the job I interviewed for a few weeks ago. And I am HAPPY. I feel that God did not give me that job for multiple reasons - some reasons I know, and some I don't know...but I have faith that something better will come along. Something that will eventually lead me down the RIGHT path for me at PM USA... I'm a patient person. I can wait.
Now if I can just get that mindset with weight loss! :)
1 comment:
HANG IN THERE SWEETIE!
One suggestion. Go to your primary care doc and schedule a physical. Tell him/her what's been going on and ask for bloodwork to look at your thyroid levels, blood sugar, etc. There could be something going on that you don't know about. Or it could be that wicked Depo. But it might be a good idea to check it out, and it could impact, uh, OTHER things you might be wanting to happen at some point.
XOX,
L
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